ABOUT ME / MY DIARY /

ORIGINALLY POSTED 19th JULY 2014

Future me here *waves* Just wanted to say this diary entry was originally posted as a blog post on my previous KevsArt.com website, when I was still hiding the fact I was Transgender, which was the main issue I allude to in the text. Writing posts like this back in 2014, really helped me find the courage to face the truth of who I was, as it’s now 2020 and I’m living as Sophie Lawson :)

Here’s a lil easter egg for ya as well … I didn’t say at the time, but the two charcoal sketches I included in this post were actually sketches of me :)

*end of future me*

I was a bit unsure whether I should write this blog post or not, but I think sometimes it’s good to just write stuff to get it out of your mind. Over this past few months I became more and more determined to overcome my social anxiety and lack of social skills that has held me back my whole life pretty much.

Art is such a powerful thing that I’ve felt it start to influence my life far beyond merely creating artwork, I never knew just how powerful Art was going to be. The problem is, when you start trying to get to the bottom of these life long issues, they end up bringing forth painful memories and things that would be so much easier to continue hiding away from.

It’s all Art related though, I’m not going to go into details in this post, but my issues I have are actually very powerful emotions that I know are going to be an important part of my Art work in the future. So I know I need to get to the bottom of these issues, but it is just so very difficult.

I’m part way though a drawing which I would have had finished 2 weekends ago, but my mind at the moment is just going bonkers. I’ve found it really hard to focus on drawing while trying to wrestle with these personal problems I have, but I know and can see how important it is that I don’t give up. I have brief moments where I actually feel like I’m very close to making a life changing breakthrough, so while I’m confused and mentally in pain at the moment, I also have this massive feeling of hope.

Earlier in the year I did some meditation for a good 6 weeks but again, this consumed my mind so much and was so emotionally painful, that by the end I just had to stop. I honestly felt like I was going to go insane and soon realised I couldn’t solve this puzzle of mine on my own.

I left it for a while and just focused on drawing, but then I began to feel like it was time to get to the bottom of my social anxiety again, only this time with some help. I’ve been seeing a counselor now for 4 weeks, and she is so nice, one of the nicest people I’ve ever met in fact. I love being around her, and she’s one of the only few people in the world I feel a genuine connection with. I know she’s going to help me I can just feel it, it almost feels like destiny brought me and her together.

The problem is, the more you try to work out your problems, the closer to the truth you get, the more it consumes your mind and just becomes very distracting and difficult, at least for me. So, my Art is definitely suffering at the moment. I’m still sketching, I’m actually so pleased to have found charcoal a few weeks ago as I’m finding it to be such a carefree and relaxing thing to use, it’s like the perfect thing for me to draw with at the moment as I need something where I don’t have to work my brain.

I can just pick up the charcoal and not worry about focusing on the details, I can just go crazy with it! Just what I need at the moment. I thought about adding a new section to my website with my charcoal sketches in, I might do that. I’ve stuck some of them on my twitter feed and added one to the top of this diary entry, but these are not supposed to be anything other then me playing around so I might just keep them on twitter.

So that’s it, Art has given me the inner strength to face some of my lifelong personal problems, but in doing so my Art will have to take somewhat of a back seat. It’s all playing off each other though, because I feel once I get a better understanding of my personal problem and can start tackling it with a clear plan, my Art will be improved as both things are linked.

I’m still doing half an hour of 30 second Gesture Drawings each day, which are so much fun. There’s this website called QuickPoses.com and basically it shows you a series of cool poses every 30-120 seconds and you have to quickly capture the gesture.

At first I sucked so much lol but I have seen an improvement in only a few weeks, so I think it’s really a good thing to do every day. I’m finding gesture drawing, together with charcoal sketching, is satisfying my soul at the moment while I try to make friends with my inner dragon :)