OUT IN PUBLIC FOR THE FIRST TIME
Thank you universe for bringing art into my life.
This week has quite literally been bonkers. I suffered some intense suicidal feelings and depression at the start of the week, and now, I end the week feeling incredibly content. Life is so funny sometimes. I need to keep this momentum going, I should start going out every weekend. Maybe a trip into town next week to do some shopping? lol Need to buy some flat shoes, I’m wearing little kitten heeled sandals today. I wanted to minimise the risks, so high heels were a no go. I expected to be a bit nervous and wobbly on my feet, so didn’t want to fall over on my first time out :)
“LOOK, THERE’S AN ACTUAL HUMAN IN THE BACKGROUND … think he’s picking up dog poo lol”
– Sophie Lawson
I’m currently sat on a bench at the top of the park. Legs crossed. It feels so natural to be here. Earlier, when I was sketching, I was sat on a different bench in the centre of the park. When I went to get up, I found myself almost unable to move. I sort of became trapped to the bench. It felt like everyone was going to be looking at me if I got up. In the end, I forced myself up, went and sat by a tree for a bit, than decided to sit on this bench and write my diary entry.
Right now, I feel like I could do laps of the park lol The hardest part today was getting out of the house. I live in a shared house with five other people. Two of them know I’m Trans, the other three are new so I haven’t met them yet, but I was just praying no one would see me.
With my handbag packed, I made my way slowly down the stairs, unlocked the front door and took a deep breath. “If you don’t take that first step, a path won’t open for you.” I remembered Satoru’s quote, and with that, my mind had no time to talk me out of it because the door was open and I was gone lol My little heels clicking away beneath me; I adore that sound. To me, it signifies freedom. I hadn’t got very far before it hit me, I’m outside in broad daylight. ARGH. I freaked a bit. Couldn’t walk properly and than there was a bloke looking at me, getting into his car. DOUBLE ARGH.
I reached for my handbag and pulled out my phone, took a little breather and txted my Niece. “Sophie is outside, Walking to the park. I am shitting myself lol” She replied, “woo, go Sophie.” I started smiling and carried on walking, txting her back before reaching some traffic lights. Oh my. All the cars had stopped for me and I had to walk across the road in front of them. Nervous? yes, Happy? hell yes :)
As I walked across I found myself chanting, ‘I’m so scared, I’m so scared, I’m so scared,’ but I made it to the other side and was soon in the park. I picked a bench, ironically right in the centre where all the people were, but I sat down and started sketching. People were walking past, yet I didn’t feel scared like I expected, instead I felt at ease, it just felt right. My biggest issue wasn’t my mind or people, but the wind blowing the hair in my eyes lol I need to buy some hair clips.
I sat on that bench for another thirty minutes or so, eating an apple and just watching the world go by. It was amazing, I felt like I could have stayed there forever but I desperately needed a wee lol On my way home, I had to walk through a crowd of people who must have been moving house and were blocking the pavement. Gulp. As I made my way through, a little kid reached out to grab me, his Mum had to pull him back. I looked at her and started smiling, she smiled back. I made it home safely, and felt incredible … after having a wee :)
Today, sketching as Sophie in a public place … was like living a dream.
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"If you don’t take that first step, a path won’t open for you."