THE LAURELS GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC VISIT 18
Today’s session was supposed to be in two weeks time, but I had to bring it forward after having a tough few weeks mentally since the last session. She was kind enough to allow the session to be today; I’m so thankful.
I have a sense this session could be rather intense, but than, in the past I’ve thought that and they’ve turned out to peaceful, so who knows.
I’ve done a lot of thinking since suffering that transgender abuse. I worked out, over a six week period, and having been out a total of eight times, I’d suffered five occasions of abuse in various forms.
That’s over 50% chance I will get abuse when I go out in public
I’m not sure I can handle anymore at the moment, so I’ve stepped back a bit. Maybe it’s fear based, maybe I’m scared, but that’s what I feel I need to do right now, so that’s what I’ve done; I always follow my heart.
I want to talk to my therapist about two topics which are linked, but are pretty far out there in terms of what’s considered the ‘social norm’. I’m not sure what to do, even though I know in my heart I’m going to do them … not sure why I need to talk to her about it really, but I feel like I do.
The Two Topics are
1. CHANGING MY NAME TO SOPHIE NOW, before presenting full time in female mode
2. BEING NATURAL ME. Like, totally me. Aka, not trying to be a female version of me, or a male version … just being me; a hybrid. Makeup, female clothes, heels if I want, no wig, showing my balding hair and rocking facial hair too if I feel like it.
Basically, I just want to be me
I realise this could potentially lead to more abuse, yet somehow I know with certainty, I wouldn’t be phased by it; I could handle it.
So odd, because logically … it should be easier to handle abuse when in full female mode with wig and loads of makeup etc. I’m slightly confused at the moment myself. The thing is, my heart wants it like this … so that’s what it will get :)
“I can tell big change is on the horizon”
– Sophie Lawson
I love my Therapist; she’s the most important person to have ever entered my life.
It was an intense session … for once I was right :) It was so intense my brain almost popped. Honestly.
So intense I had to cover my eyes as I cried and took in all the stuff she was telling me.
So beautifully inspiring
So full of hope”
– Sophie Lawson
I connected with her today in ways unimaginable.
Wow is all I can say. I can’t even explain what she said as it’s very personal. It went back to my childhood, with the child abuse I’ve spoke about before.
My therapist knows what I need to do. I know what I need to do.
I will love myself the way I am
I feel in sync with the Universe. I need to face Mum and Dad in my mind, to be able to love myself; I haven’t fully let go of the past.
I am speechless. I am totally speechless with what was said today. My therapist has inspired me to such an insane level, and given me so much hope. I really wish I could share what was said; maybe one day.
“Thank you universe for my gender therapist“
– Sophie Lawson
RELATED DIARY ENTRIES
The ‘I Said No to Genital Reassignment Surgery’ visit … we spoke about Covering Bald Patches in Social Situations and GRS, to which I said No … but was I supposed to say yes?
"Nature chooses who will be transgender; individuals don't choose this."