THE LAURELS GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC VISIT 19
As Me. Not Kevin. Not Sophie. But Me; a bit of both.
Wearing a nice little blue dress and heels, a bit of eye and lip makeup, no wig but a little bit of facial hair. Thought why not? lol
I FEEL SO COMPLETE
I FEEL SO ALIVE
I FEEL SO FREE
Sat in the Gender Identity Clinic now
I’ve never had so many people smile at me before in my life; wonder if it’s because I’m smiling now, so they’re smiling back.
Maybe I’ve never smiled before?
It’s so nice to see so many smiles though: Smiles on the train, Smiles in the park, Smiles in town, Smiles as I sat and ate my sandwiches outside … mostly ladies, but they’re really nice smiles; pure, ‘from the heart‘ smiles.
That session was really nice; a very confidence inducing session, with the overall message – just be yourself :)
We spoke a bit about being gender fluid, and how this has kind of gone full circle. Back at the very first visit I said I believed I was non binary. I than went full female, only to settle on the non binary. As I said back than, I’ve always felt more female than male, but not 100% female.
I think this sums it up beautifully actually. I want to be as female as possible, but whatever I end up as, that’s ok too. If I can’t get rid of all my facial hair, thank you for trying. If I can’t do this, or can’t do that, thank you for trying :) I’ll give it everything I’ve got and see what happens.
The session though was mostly about Dad; about closure from the past. Moving on with my life. My therapist said to write a letter to Dad, explaining my feelings, and another one to Mum. I currently don’t speak to either Mum or Dad; Dad due to a disagreement over my transition, Mum due to unrelated trust issues.
I’m not sure if I’m ready to write them letters yet.
I always hand write these diary entries, typing them up on the computer later, but I’m a bit behind with getting them onto the site, so I’m writing this extra bit on October 24th … four months after the visit! as lilSOPHIE would say, *eek*
The Universe is beautiful how things play out, because that week … as I was struggling to write a letter to Dad explaining everything, he actually sent me an email out of the blue. It wasn’t the nicest email, in fact it was bloody horrible lol
Reading it didn’t affect me anymore though. I read it and thought … I don’t need to try and write anything to Dad.
I shared the email with my therapist at the next session. Reading the email she could see signs of how Dad’s struggling to accept the changing ways of the world, that he does love me, but that he’s scared. She agreed that the language used, and the way it was phrased, left a lot to be desired though.
He can wait, she said. He was demanding I reply to him … I don’t have to. This letter gave me a mini aha moment.
Dad’s language and negative opinions…I suddenly put two and two together.
It sounded just like my negative thoughts. The crap I hear in my head, that tries to stop me from being my true self.
Dads opinion is just that, an opinion. I used to believe him … I don’t anymore.
“Negative thoughts are lies
They’re just an opinion
You don’t have to believe them“
I’m not sure if this letter really came from Dad, or the Universe, but it arrived in perfect timing.
Even my Gender Therapist commented on the timing of the letter.
I love the Universe.
Visit Twenty took place on the 6th of July 2017, and was the ‘Panic Attack’ visit
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"Nature chooses who will be transgender; individuals don't choose this."