57 • FINDING MYSELF

Future me here *waves* it’s now 2021, and I have to say … there was two decisions I made during my transition that seemed bonkers at the time. If I had really stopped and thought about it, I wouldn’t have done it, but something told me to do it. It felt right, and looking back now, they were the most important moments of my life. One was changing my name to Sophie Lawson while continuing to live as Kevin, the other was what this finding myself diary entry is all about … dropping the wigs. Going outside without any wigs on was one of the most scary but liberating things I’ve ever done.

*end of future me*

This is only going to be a brief little diary entry explaining where I’m currently at, I’m in a phase of just enjoying life and finding myself. I have so many hand written diary entries to type up, but as you may have seen, I haven’t updated the diary in a while. Life has changed so much since I suffered Transgender Abuse, in fact, that abuse, while horrible at the time, has proven to be one of the most pivotal points in my transition. It made me stop and ask myself:

Why did the abuse affect me so much?

Who am I?

What do I really want out of life? 

After many tears, and much confusion, the answer came to me … I needed to fully embrace myself, regardless of my faults and limitations, I needed to be fearless. Putting wigs on to cover my baldness, and applying makeup to cover my facial hair, it was making me feel just as fake as living as Kevin.

I knew, deep in my heart, what I wanted was to ditch the wigs, stop worrying about covering up all my facial hairs, not give two shits about all the signs on my body that I’m male or getting older, just rock what I’ve got, be true to myself and be fearless. The only reason I was wearing the wigs was to try and fit into society anyway, but, why? Why not just be me and let society go do one lol I was never going to be able to truly love myself until I accepted myself the way I was, faults and all.

As you can see from the images above, I’m now just being me. Am I male, am I female? Don’t know, don’t care lol I can walk out the front door with confidence, do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. Ironically, it all started totally out of the blue when I wasn’t even thinking about it. The thought popped into my head … put some makeup on right now and don’t bother shaving, or wearing a wig, just be you.

I did, and when I looked in the mirror, wearing a little dress with only eye makeup and lipstick on, I started smiling. What I saw starring back at me, was me. The real me. My trueself. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t faking it. I wasn’t hiding anything. I was just me. I could actually smile at myself and like what I saw. It just felt so right.

Facial hair?
Body hair?
Bald patches?
… I don’t give a F@#K anymore :)

I’m starting to accept and love every single part of me, just the way it is.

In that moment, looking in the mirror, I knew everything was going to change. That was about six weeks ago, and ever since, life has just transformed itself. I’ve been going out pretty much every day wearing little dresses and hot pants, not giving a shit about any signs that I’m male. This is me, if anyone has a problem with it, it’s there problem … I’m finally starting to love myself! I’ve been out so many times, shopping in town, sketching in the park, on train journeys; I’m starting to feel so content in my skin. If anyone did throw abuse at me now, I would just smile and laugh. I know nothing anyone says can bring me down anymore. The beautiful thing is, everyone has been so nice to me. People have been saying how nice I look, commenting on my nice dresses and even stopping to have full blown conversations with me.

I’m finding peace. I’m finding balance. I’m finding myself. Everything is starting to make sense. Art is helping me so much too. It helps me be at peace, I can go out and sit in the park and sketch anyway, watching the world go by, just existing in the moment, feeling totally content with who I am. I’ve even, inspired by Erin from the Not Alone Plymouth Transgender Support Group, started running each week, I’m loving how motivating it is to push myself, plus It’s an excuse to go out wearing little running shorts :) I still have work to do, there’s still days when I loose my way, still negative thoughts that creep in and try to sabotage my efforts, still a lot of baggage from the past I’m working through with my Gender Therapist, but I at least know who I am now.

Finding myself, is proving to be insanely liberating.