48 • OUT IN PUBLIC FOR THE FIRST TIME

Future me here *waves* Reading this diary entry in 2021, I realise now how much of a pivotal moment this day was. This was the day I went outside in a public place dressed as Sophie. One of my favourite quotes from the anime Erased, sums it up perfectly, “If you don’t take that first step, a path won’t open for you.” This was such a scary thing to do at the, but all I had to do was take that first step out my front door. When you look at it like that, it’s easy lol It was the hardest easiest thing I ever had to do :)

This wasn’t technically the first time I ever went out in public, I did creep out my front door during the day once in 2004, but only for about 5 seconds with no one around to take the photo above, before running back inside :) but the following experience was the first time I ever went outside in public with people around! 

*end of future me*

I’m writing this in the park, out in public for the first time. It’s 4pm on the 8th of April 2017, and I’ve been here sketching for nearly two hours. I’m still slightly nervous, but actually, I feel at peace. I’m so happy inside it’s insane. I can’t believe I’m here, in public, as me, sketching, with actual human beings walking around. I don’t care lol Art is once again helping me, because sketching has given me something to focus on, instead of the fear and negative thoughts that could have ran wild in my mind.

Thank you universe for bringing art into my life.

This week has quite literally been bonkers. I suffered some intense suicidal feelings and depression at the start of the week, and now, I end the week feeling incredibly content. Life is so funny sometimes. I need to keep this momentum going, I should start going out every weekend. Maybe a trip into town next week to do some shopping? lol Need to buy some flat shoes, I’m wearing little kitten heeled sandals today. I wanted to minimise the risks, so high heels were a no go. I expected to be a bit nervous and wobbly on my feet, so didn’t want to fall over on my first time out :)

LOOK, THERE’S AN ACTUAL HUMAN IN THE BACKGROUND … think they’re picking up dog poo lol

I’m currently sat on a bench at the top of the park. Legs crossed. It feels so natural to be here. Earlier, when I was sketching, I was sat on a different bench in the centre of the park. When I went to get up, I found myself almost unable to move. I sort of became trapped to the bench. It felt like everyone was going to be looking at me if I got up. In the end, I forced myself up, went and sat by a tree for a bit, than decided to sit on this bench and write my diary entry.

Right now, I feel like I could do laps of the park lol The hardest part today was getting out of the house. I live in a shared house with five other people. Two of them know I’m Trans, the other three are new so I haven’t met them yet, but I was just praying no one would see me.

With my handbag packed, I made my way slowly down the stairs, unlocked the front door and took a deep breath. “If you don’t take that first step, a path won’t open for you.” I remembered Satoru’s quote, and with that, my mind had no time to talk me out of it because the door was open and I was gone lol My little heels clicking away beneath me; I adore that sound. To me, it signifies freedom. I hadn’t got very far before it hit me, I’m outside in broad daylight. ARGH. I freaked a bit. Couldn’t walk properly and than there was a bloke looking at me, getting into his car. DOUBLE ARGH.

I reached for my handbag and pulled out my phone, took a little breather and txted my Niece. “Sophie is outside, Walking to the park. I am shitting myself lol” She replied, “woo, go Sophie.” I started smiling and carried on walking, txting her back before reaching some traffic lights. Oh my. All the cars had stopped for me and I had to walk across the road in front of them. Nervous? yes, Happy? hell yes :)

As I walked across I found myself chanting, ‘I’m so scared, I’m so scared, I’m so scared,’ but I made it to the other side and was soon in the park. I picked a bench, ironically right in the centre where all the people were, but I sat down and started sketching. People were walking past, yet I didn’t feel scared like I expected, instead I felt at ease, it just felt right. My biggest issue wasn’t my mind or people, but the wind blowing the hair in my eyes lol I need to buy some hair clips.

BACK HOME

I sat on that bench for another thirty minutes or so, eating an apple and just watching the world go by. It was amazing, I felt like I could have stayed there forever but I desperately needed a wee lol On my way home, I had to walk through a crowd of people who must have been moving house and were blocking the pavement. Gulp. As I made my way through, a little kid reached out to grab me, his Mum had to pull him back. I looked at her and started smiling, she smiled back. I made it home safely, and felt incredible … after having a wee :)

Today, sketching in the park, surrounded by people, as me, as Sophie … was like living a dream.