ABOUT ME / MY DIARY /

ORIGINALLY POSTED 29th JULY 2018

Hello *waves* It’s June 2021 as I write this, nearly three years since I last saw my gender therapist … she never returned after this session :( She had her baby and decided to leave the gender clinic. I knew. I knew she wasn’t coming back, but I’m so grateful for the time we had together. As I said many times, she was a gift from the Universe.

Since this session I’ve had two different therapists, and at least 15 more visits, but they don’t feel the same, not better or worse, just different. In fact, I can’t even remember the name of the therapist who originally replaced her, the one I currently have is super cool, like a lil anime character lol but there’s still something missing. My first therapist was special, we really did connect on such a deep level.

It shows how important it is to try different therapists, they are humans just like you and me, each with their own frequencies, so if you don’t sync up with their energy, try another one, because when you connect deeply with a therapist, beautiful things happens.

I do continue to hand write diary entries after these visits, but I haven’t typed them up on the computer. Actually, that isn’t true, in 2020 they took the therapy  sessions online due to the lock downs, and I naturally stopped writing about them. Online therapy sessions are nothing like being face to face.

So as it stands, this is the last diary entry on the site, and I’m toying with leaving it that way. This diary section was always focused around my time at the gender clinic, my time transitioning from Kevin to Sophie, and my original therapist was key to the journey.

She helped me find myself. She gave me the wings to fly, and in a strange way, her leaving was the final piece of the puzzle. The Universe’s way of saying, you’re ready to fly now Sophie. When she left, I ran off the cliff and took flight, on my own. Finally free.

Thank you Universe.

*end of future me*

This is it … the saying goodbye to my therapist session. This could potentially be the last time I ever see my therapist, as she’s leaving to have a baby. We were supposed to have two more sessions at the Gender Identity Clinic, but she had to leave earlier than expected to rest, so this becomes our final session together :(

It feels odd. I keep feeling sad, yet at the same time incredibly grateful for her having come into my life. I wouldn’t be here without her, I know that for certain. All I want to do today is say thank you. If I can do that, I will be happy.

It’s been a bit of a tough few weeks, most likely due to trying to work out if I made a mistake in saying no to Genital Reassignment Surgery, and than at swimming last weekend I had a moment where I broke down in the pool during my lesson. The teacher asked me to do something and I found myself saying out loud, I can’t … it was nothing to do with swimming, she wanted me to do a dancing motion in the pool and I just couldn’t. I felt this overwhelming fear of not wanting to look silly, of being judged.

Thing is, as I said I can’t, it triggered something deep. I will work on it over the coming weeks, because while it really knocked my confidence and forced me to leave the pool early, I sort of felt like something happened at the same time, like an insight. I’m still trying to understand it, but it feels like one of those moments where in time, I will look back and see it as a massive positive mindset changing moment.

I have been in a bit of a funk since though, so don’t want to bring the funk vibes into the session … lol, that sounds cool actually, funk vibes, think I’ve got their second album lol :) … no, hopefully I don’t bring the funk into the session, but if I do, I will accept it.

So the plan is to say thank you, try not to cry as we say goodbye, and just enjoy our last session together. Ohhh, and since the last session, I changed my mind and said yes to Genital Reassignment Surgery. So that may come up, pardon the pun lol Man, I’m in a funk yet still cracking jokes :)

LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED

Over and out. I just said goodbye to her for maybe the last time.

It was emotional, but I liked it. I am so thankful to her. So thankful I can’t even explain it. She helped me become the person I never thought I could be, but always wanted to be. She helped me become me.

This is strange, but I sort of have nothing to say.

This being is without doubt the most important person to have ever entered my life, a gift from the Universe, and there is a chance I will never see her again :( That’s so sad, but than that is part of life. Everything, and everyone, leaves in the end … which is sad, yet beautiful at the same time.

I wish her all the best moving forward. Her future daughter is so lucky to come into this world with a Mum like her. Universe, look after them.

We did talk about stuff, like our deep conversations over the years, about the future, about changing my mind on Genital Reassignment Surgery.

We were so similar, that’s why we connected so much. She too was very spiritual, and when I spoke about how I was thinking about looking into Past Life Regression, she said … when she was young, someone told her to try everything. “Try all types of practices on your spiritual path,” she said.

This mentality I’ve sort of adopted in my life after I started learning how to draw. Trying to get good at drawing and painting, I realised you have to give everything a go, even if you feel it may not be for you, you have to give it a go, because you never know until you try how perfect for you it may actually be. It’s all about personal experience.

There’s one thing she said that will stick with me forever … LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED.

When she said that, it really resonated because written up on my whiteboard, and a quote that has been motivating me for a few years now, is to Leave No Stone Unturned :) For that particular phase to be one of the final things I remember her saying to me. Wow. She always knew what to say, I sometimes felt like she was inside my head finding the precious thing to say or do to help me in each moment.

I’m sure she isn’t leaving to have a baby, but has been called back to the spirit realm :) I will miss her, but I will Never. Ever. Forget her.

She truly helped change my life.

The next visit will be with a new therapist and my goodness has she got some big boots to fill, but who knows, maybe she’ll be able to help me turn over some of these other big bastard stones that keep blocking my path :)

Visit Twenty Nine took place on the 27th of August 2018, with a new therapist.