ORIGINALLY POSTED 13th JUNE 2016
Future me here *waves* pretty much two years after this diary, I went to work in my female clothes, I started living full time as Sophie :)
*end of future me*
Seems like years ago that I last went to The Laurels Gender Identity Clinic to see my gender therapist, but it’s only been three months. I can’t wait to see her. So much has happened since out last visit. I’ve reached a point where I feel ready to finally be me. I always felt art was going to set me free, and bypass my need to become Sophie. Now however, I feel art was just getting me ready. Almost like training. Allowing me to see that you can do anything, if you just believe and put your mind to it.
I know this is true, I’ve seen and experienced it first hand. It’s almost like magic how it happens. Art was, and is, the piece of the puzzle that I needed to set myself free. The Universe is so amazing when you step back and see how everything intertwines. Today, I have no idea what my gender therapist will say when I tell her I’ve started self medicating hormones. I hope she’s ok. I couldn’t help it. Maybe it was the only way I was ever going to kick start my transition?
There’s always a reason.
In 2004, I bought some hormones but never used them, after hitting the denial phase for a few years. In 2015 I bought some hormones again. I didn’t use them that time either, instead convincing myself I should and could focus on art and ignore my inner voice. This time however, things were different. When the thought of hormones returned, I felt ready. Someone once said, it’s the ideas that keep returning that you need to pay attention to. For the first time ever, I can actually see myself transitioning as a reality. I guess I finally believe in myself. I’m terrified. Excited. But relieved.
I will need courage, adaptability and patience. All three skills I’ve learnt via art :) I’m convinced art was a gift from the universe. I sat there the other day thinking about it. The video game Persona 4 is where it all started; a game about accepting your true self. But really, there is no explanation for why I decided to start drawing so intensely after playing that game. It almost doesn’t make sense, but art has become the key to unlocking my true self. How did I know art would do this? I didn’t! But the universe did :)
Universe I love you!
I’ve been so close. So close to the truth for months. It was only by falling ill in March and being forced to stay in bed, away from my art desk, that I realised I was in the process of turning art into another prison. A way of distracting my mind from my gender issues. This was all subconscious, inside us all is a part that doesn’t want to face the truth, it doesn’t want to evolve, doesn’t want to change because it’s scared. I’m pretty sure subconsciously I was kidding myself that focusing on art was a way to deal with my gender issues, without having to actually deal with them. It’s sneaky how the mind works!
What’s so beautiful, is what randomly returned to my life in March were video games. When I focused on drawing I sacrificed playing video games, but I picked up a PlayStation Vita and a PS3, and set about playing some of the games I missed during that time. Beyond: Two Souls and Tearaway were my main two games. This is where it gets beautiful, they spoke to me! They both had a message that I needed to hear. If I had played them back when they first came out, I don’t think they would have affected me like they did. In a strange way, they made me realise it was time to start my transition.
I was honestly returning to video games to give up, to hide away and have an ‘easy life’. Instead, it turned out to be just part of the journey. I won’t do spoilers, but Beyond: Two Souls is about a girl called Jodie Holmes who has a spirit inside of her that she can’t escape from. At times it controls her. It seems to ruin everything in her life, it is however, part of her. Part of who she is. This really hit home with me. I could relate to her troubles and felt a connection with her. And Tearway, this fun little platformer, well one of the quotes that will stay with me forever, is the line – “Don’t let your stories go untold.” It made me cry.
Time to move onto the next chapter.
Session Over. I told her everything. Hormones, and me self medicating, she understands. I’m now on the waiting list to officially start hormones with the clinic. She said the waiting list could be anything from 3 to 12 months. Who knows? Who cares?! lol
She said she wanted me to go get some blood tests from my Dr to make sure everything is ok, so I will do that. We talked about these things called hair systems, I’m balding on top, but you can get these hair systems that have a silicone skin, allowing you to wear a full head of hair to bed, in the shower, basically wherever you want for a few months at a time. Magic! :)
Now that I’ve spoke to her about transitioning, it feels more real. I’m terrified but excited. I always felt a little bit uneasy before talking about transitioning. I think it’s because it was the ultimate truth that I didn’t want to accept. Feels easier now. I feel happy – I’m following my bliss, as Joseph Campbell would say :) I know art will always be there too, it will return in full force once I’ve found myself I’m sure. My dream of being a full time artist is still there. I said to my gender therapist, I see myself in the future as a little old lady painting in the woods lol Art may even come back sooner that I expect, but I’m not pushing it anymore.
Maybe this transition won’t be the answer, but I have to try. I said to my gender therapist, 36 years it took to finally get to a point where I could believe in myself. Crazy! I’ve been going round and round in circles all those years. In 2004, I came close to transitioning, I think back than I wanted to be ready to become me, but I wasn’t. Now I am.
Thank you Universe!
Visit nine took place on 1st July 2016 and was the ‘let’s talk about Anxiety‘ visit