ABOUT ME / MY DIARY /
ORIGINALLY POSTED 24th NOVEMBER 2014
Future me here *waves* Just wanted to say this diary entry, like Art Helped Me Face The Truth and Making Friends with My Inner Dragon, was originally posted as a blog post on my previous KevsArt.com website, when I was still living as Kevin Preston and hiding the fact I was Transgender. This diary entry was posted on the 24th of November 2014, the day I come out as being Transgender..
*end of future me*
Today is an important day, for it is the day that I update my site and embrace the truth about who I really am. I have updated the About Me page, to include the fact I’m Transgender, and how this plays into my Art, and I have also added a section to the site for Sophie, the name of my female persona. *I’m now living as Sophie Lawson, so the entire site is now the Sophie section lol* I’m not going to lie, revealing who I really am has been an incredibly difficult decision to take; Big decisions like this are never going to be easy, but I’ve sat with the idea for months now, and have decided it’s time to go with my heart.
All I can say is it feels like the right thing to do, and I feel it is one step towards me overcoming social anxiety and bringing to life my vision for the future. It’s not going to be easy, I am fully aware of that, this is a step into the unknown and super scary, for I’m pretty much opening my soul to the world. I am however excited and relieved, excited knowing I’m following my heart and doing what I always wanted to do, but never had the strength or courage to try – accept the truth.
I’m relieved to finally put the chapters of denial in the past. I won’t forget the years of struggle, for they’ve helped me get to this point in my life and I’m determined to not let the struggle be for nothing. To finally be breaking the cycle that has gone on for years, I’m so grateful to the universe for giving me the strength to finally do this!
The image above is from a few months ago when I sneaked out one morning as Sophie for the first time in 3 years. The way I was sat on that path looking out into the distance, it just seems so fitting for where my life has been since July. I’ve spent months wrestling with the idea of walking down this path I’ve been presented with, but I’ve no idea where it leads. My heart is guiding me down this path though, and I’m going to say yes. This is the way it was always meant to be.
I always knew deep down in my heart of hearts that this day would come, I feel like everything that has gone before now has just been getting me ready to have the strength to do this. I have a goal and a dream to be the best Artist I can possibly be, and my vision has always included Sophie for she is deep within my heart. The more I draw, the more I start to piece the puzzle of my life together, the more everything begins to slot into place in such a beautiful way that I could never have dreamt possible.
If you had said to me 2 years ago that I would have stopped being addicted to video games, would have quit my job of 12 years, would have dedicated myself to learning Art, would have overcome OCD, started to deal with social anxiety, would finally have a future to aim for and most importantly, would have got the courage to embrace and accept my feminine side, I would have said not a chance! That is however what has happened since playing the video game Persona 4 Golden in 2012. A game that introduced Art into my life, and brought about an unbelievable life changing few years.
I know it’s not going to be easy moving forward, but it feels right, I’ve sat with this issue for months now and no matter how I tried to position it, it always ended with the same result of my Art and Sophie merging and becoming one. I meditate a lot, and I’ve visually seen some beautiful things, my true spirit in that place is pure female and for ages I kept seeing this female figure on the edge of a cliff, she was standing there but she never did anything, the wind was softly blowing her hair and I knew she was about to jump off the cliff but for months and months I would see her in my meditations and she never moved. I too never moved, I never approached her. It’s only recently I realised that the female was me, it was Sophie, she was waiting for me to step off the cliffs edge with her.
Well I’m ready, I now see myself gently holding onto Sophie’s hand as we both step off together, we will overcome all the obstacles together. To think what started out as a simple hobby to try and draw some of my own characters has taken on a life of it’s own and transformed my very being this much. I am, and will be, eternally grateful to both Persona 4 and Art for the rest of my life, for they have allowed me to start to feel whole.
Art is so powerful, it changes the way you see the world, and yourself.