ORIGINALLY POSTED 13th AUGUST 2014
Future me here *waves* Just wanted to say this diary entry, like my first one entitled Art Helped Me Face The Truth, was originally posted as a blog post on my previous KevsArt.com website, when I was still hiding the fact I was Transgender. The photo in this post was taken on the 13th of July 2014, when I (as Kevin) used to sneak out in the early hours to let Sophie be free with Nature.
I hint at things in this entry without actually talking about them, as back in 2014 I wasn’t ready or able to fully open up about them. I’ve added *lil edits with lilac text like this* to try and make the entry a bit more understandable, but the main issues I talk about in this entry were: being Transgender, Social Anxiety, and some Child Abuse I suffered at the age of 13 when I got strangled. This child abuse was the incident I needed help with from my inner child, and in fact, it wasn’t until 2018, thanks to Lucid Dreaming, that I finally started healing from my child abuse.
*end of future me*
This past few weeks have been nothing short of bonkers! I hate to say it, but I haven’t drawn at all for just over 2 weeks … it’s so difficult to focus when your mind is facing its demons. That was until yesterday, when I finally started doing some gesture drawings again; It’s amazing how rusty you become when you stop drawing every day :( I did however feel very very happy to be drawing again :)
I’m slowly starting to get my Art dreams back on track, the problem is I’m still facing my inner demons. Next week I’m going to Spain to see my Dad, and he actually lives next to an Artist who has her own studio and runs classes. She wants me to draw and paint with her, I feel this is going to be such a perfect time and place to start proper drawing again, I’m really excited!
I actually almost lost my way last week though, I even considered not drawing any more and just going back to my old life of hiding away from everything within the world of video games. I’ve been facing my lifelong social anxiety problems for about 6 weeks now, I never really knew just how hard it was going to be.
About 3 weeks ago I was sure I had found the solution, but then last week, something happened *I started dressing as Sophie again* which made me just want to give up. It all began to feel like the same old cycle was starting over again. I remember crying and thinking, I thought it was different this time. I can’t explain it, but right from the start of this process I’ve felt like I am strong enough and ready to finally overcome my problems. I tried to solve it via my Art alone, but it got to a point where my Art wasn’t enough, I had this horrible uneasy feeling inside that was distracting me from focusing 100% on my drawing, this is when I knew I couldn’t solve this issue alone.
I’ve been facing my inner demons with Therapists, Doctors, Medication, Meditation, Family … but ultimately, it all comes down to going deep within and facing your fears alone. It really has taken its toll mentally, physically and emotionally though. My soul got crushed last week, I literally felt empty and numb for a few days and I could feel the light that had been burning inside since I started drawing going out, I could see it smoldering away, I just didn’t have the strength or the desire to get it burning again.
I have never felt such sadness in my whole life … then, during this utter despair, something began to happen. I make sense of it all, I remember saying out loud “It actually is different this time,” a realisation that maybe just maybe, the reason I couldn’t solve the problem was because I was looking in the wrong location.
Then things started to fall into place, random things my therapist had said that I thought unimportant at the time entered my head and started to make sense, a book I had randomly picked up from the library seemed to coincide with what my therapist was saying. I just began to have this massive feeling of knowing I was onto something.
The cool thing here is, the book I had picked up was called Keys to Freedom … the truth is, I only picked it up because it had the same name as the first Art book I read when I started drawing Keys to Drawing by Bert Dodson How randomly cool is that? The book talks about how most problems are based in your childhood and explains how to connect with your Inner child, well earlier in the year I meditated on my Inner child and he said to me to be Fearless. That was one of the main things that helped me get the courage to go to Art Class for the first time, and it was going to Art Class that made me realise how I still, even with Art, had social anxiety. Looking back now, it’s like everything is all linked together in a beautiful way.
I’ve tried many times to face anxiety over the years, some parts of it I’ve solved but never the big main issue of my shyness and social anxiety. It has always been too tough to make sense of why it even exists within me, but in that moment of despair last week, I started to realise I’d spent all my life trying to find the solution in the wrong place. I have other issues *being Transgender* which always seemed much bigger *than being strangled as a child* to me, and this always got in the way. Even at therapy I let this other issue dictate my thoughts and put me off the real scent. I half wonder if I’ve subconsciously placed this other issue in front and made it seem bigger then it is so as to stop me from ever having to face the pain from my childhood.
It’s funny, when my therapist started talking about my childhood *and being strangled* I felt uncomfortable, at the time I put it down to thinking we were wasting time and not tackling my real issue *of being Transgender* … now, well now I think that uncomfortable feeling was actually the realisation that she was onto the truth.
I now visualise myself standing by a doorway I’ve never seen before but can tell has always been right in front of me this whole time, I’m battered and bruised from the past month of facing my inner demons. I can sense my inner dragon lies behind this door. I am ready to venture forwards, I expect it to be a very dark and scary place, much more terrifying then anything I’ve faced thus far … but I’m determined to find this dragon … and when I do, I will not be slaying her, I intend to tame her, and then ride her to my ultimate freedom!