Future me here *waves* Just wanted to say, it’s now 2020, and while I’ve thrown or sold a lot of my old clothes away, I still own these high heels of courage :) In fact, I’ve never even worn them, so they still look nice and sparkly … just shows, these high heels were never about actually wearing them, they were a symbol, a reward for having completed the courage quest :)

*end of future me*

It is nice to get a new pair of shoes, but this is actually more then just owning another pair of heels. This is about facing my fears, it may seem like a lil ting to some, maybe even insignificant, but having the courage to go into a shop and buy female clothes and shoes is something I’ve always found really tough. *I was still living as Kevin Preston at the time, so had to buy stuff in male mode :)* The easy option is to shop online, and there is nothing wrong with that, but there is something special about seeing what you’re buying, and being able to touch the textures.

I didn’t intend to buy these, I was in town buying Christmas cards when I walked past a shop window and saw these shoes shining away at me, smiling with a nice big special offer sticker stuck on them :) There were only £15, I looked at them and thought “oh my.” I kept on walking down to the card shop, but I couldn’t get these stupid shoes out of me head lol I really wanted to get them, but I just didn’t know if I’d actually be able to get the courage to go in and buy them, so I decided to walk back to the shop and use this opportunity as an experiment.

Can I face my fears and buy these shoes? I got back to the shop and looked at the shoes. The more I looked at them, the more I wanted them. I stood at the window pretending to look at the male shoes for ages, but really I was focused on these god damn heels. I thought, “No, I can’t do it,” so I walked away, stopping by another shop, this time pretending to be doing something on my phone, but really trying to psych myself up, “You CAN buy these shoes”, “You DESERVE these shoes!” “Yeah I do…” I thought. So back to the shop I went, I didn’t even stop. I just walked in as if someone else was controlling my feet all the way up to the counter.

“Hello, there’s a pair of shoes in the window I’d like to buy. Do you have them in a size 8?” I said.

“You’ll have to show me,” she said.

So we went over to the shoes. “Those ones please,” I said, pointing to the shiny gold High Heels of Courage.

She picked em up and checked on the computer, “Yeah we have those.”

“Wahooooooooo!!!!!” the voice inside was going, but I played it cool “ahh, nice,“ I said.

There was a bloke next to her packing stuff on the shelves, and as she walked past to get into the back room, he said “Mmm, gold” lol She returned, and while taking my money said “I’ll pop the receipt in the bag, and then if she doesn’t like them, she can bring them back”“She, aka ME, won’t be bringing these beauties back, trust me” I thought, but I just smiled and said “Thank you” and off me and my new friends went :)

The High Heels of Courage ... a Transgender Diary Entry with Transgender Artist & Model Sophie Lawson

It wasn’t about the shoes, well it was lol, but it was more about doing something I wanted to do, despite the fear. Past self would have just walked home and thought about how nice them shoes were that didn’t have the courage to go buy.

Face your fears, you will always be rewarded.

Your lil mission now, should you choose to accept it, is to go out there and find you own High Heels of Courage to reach for. It’ll be worth it! :)


– Satoru Fujinuma