ORIGINALLY POSTED 1st FEBRUARY 2017
Future me here *waves* in this diary entry I continue talking about Child Abuse I suffered in 1993, aged 13. Rereading these diary entries, I’ve realised the importance of talking about and facing past trauma. It’s powerful, but it’s weird, because we think letting it all out will make it worse, and while it might be painful at first, it’s the only way to truly heal. As Lucid Dreaming Expert Robert Waggoner says, Go Towards The Energy.
*end of future me*
Today is two for the price of one. Off to the gender clinic to see the Doctor for my second Transgender Hormone Therapy appointment, and my therapist for visit number fifteen. It’s been a couple weeks since my last visit, but so much has changed. She sparked something off inside of me. I’ve been thinking a lot about my child abuse since than, for the first time I’m asking questions. Why did Mum leave me on the floor? Why did she go after her boyfriend? Why did she make me say sorry? What is her memory of the incident?
I realised I’ve never spoken about this properly with anyone in the family. Never even felt the need to bring it up with Mum. Why? Because maybe I knew it will be painful? Maybe if I brought it up, Mum would get upset, and so better to leave it alone? Now is the time. It feels like everything is starting to make sense. Meditating on it, I felt such sadness, and I think compassion, for little Kevin (my birth name). One meditation was so vivid. I saw myself in the kitchen, reliving the incident, Mum ran out the front door and my therapist showed up and hugged little Kevin, saying it will be ok. Was beautiful. I feel like there is a lot of answers in that incident that will help me moving forward. Finally digging in the right place. It’s just going to take time. A lot of time. I can tell that.
So I am looking forward to seeing my gender therapist today. I see her directly after seeing the Doctor. She joked last time, that she can be nosy and see what he says lol Today feels like a big day for some reason. It’s nice to be making progress on my past life, and a couple things have personally happened since the last visit. I told my manager at work that I’m Transgender and struggling, she was so kind, and said she’s a lesbian so sort of knows some of what I’m going through. She even said I could ring her on her personal mobile if I wanted to talk. Amazing!
I also updated my Facebook Page from kevsArt to SophieLawson, as I get ready to launch SophieLawson.com. The cool thing is, someone at art class mentioned it. He was so nice and said how he was happy for me and that it was a brave thing to do, becoming Sophie. The following week at art class, someone else mentioned it, they too were very kind, even saying how they used to be a manager of a company and knew three people who transitioned at work. “Prepare for a bumpy ride,” he said. *future me here, how right he was!*
So it is already happening. What I hoped would happen. That transitioning online via my website, would help me transition in the real world. I now have at least two people in the real world who will support me, thanks to transitioning on the site :) I just feel I need to continue digging around this child abuse and see what I find. Time for today’s session. Let’s see what happens.
Well. I don’t know.
Confused is today’s word. The Doctors Appointment before this session really did a number on me. Confused is all there is to say. Go with the Doctor, have faith? Give up on returning to Spiro? I’m so unhappy right now. Least I was assertive today, that’s a positive, and my gender therapist is so nice. I am so lucky to have her in my life.
Please Stop crying.
I can feel them suicidal feelings. Trust. My therapist said that I don’t trust that it will be ok unless I’m in control of the hormones. Is that what this is all about? Trust issues? Do I not trust the Doctor? Looking back at my child abuse, that was all about trust. My Mum leaving me there, the ultimate act of losing trust, you should always be able to trust your Mum. What if this is all linked? My need to be in control of my hormones. Maybe this control is all down to a lack of trust.
I got so peed at myself during this session, that near the end while talking, I just said, whatever lol I actually made myself laugh, it was a proper don’t care, aimed directly at my mind and it’s messed up thoughts. I guess I’ve had enough of thinking. I need to let go. She’s right. I can’t be in control of everything.
She said something that I’ve actually thought about before too. Maybe I am not 100% ready to transition, the universe knows this, I sub consciously know this, and it’s the reason I’m sabotaging all my hormones. Changing everything all the time. Maybe it’s because I’m not ready yet. She said about if you developed breasts for instance, you would have to hide them. I’ve thought this very thing. She said other girls at the clinic sometimes have to start binding to cover their breasts, which is madness. It’s like you’re now finally becoming yourself, but still having to hide.
When the time is right, it will fall into place I’m sure. See it’s odd, part of me knows what’s going on. Part of me knows to let go. Part of me can see a lot of this suffering is self inflicted. Yet I’m still struggling to be able to let go of controlling the hormones. The mind is complex. A lot of my issues are control, and I guess this stems from a lack of trust in others. The key isn’t the Spiro, the medication I want to return to, the key is the mindset. Believing 100% it will work out, no matter what you’re taking, or how ‘backwards’ it appears to be going. I said to my Sister right at the very start, when I first decided to take hormones, I’m going to focus on my mind. I knew, even back than, the mind would be key. Maybe these experiences, all this pain and suffering, is from the universe, in order to allow my mind to grow.
A FEW DAYS LATER
I cried all the way home on the train. I cried to sleep. I even woke up at 3 am crying. I went to work crying. I cried a lot for a few days. I than had a beak down in front of my Sister, Niece and Nephew and than cried some more in front of my Niece. Than. Something happened. Don’t know if it was talking to my Niece and letting it all out. Or maybe the interesting conversation I had with my Sister about child abuse. Whatever it was, something happened. Because I feel like a switch has been flicked. Can’t put it into words, but it feels positive.
Visit sixteen took place on the 23rd of February 2017, and was the ‘dealing with age‘ visit