ORIGINALLY POSTED 23rd FEBRUARY 2017
Future me here *waves* I always used to take photos on these train rides to and from the clinic, but mostly didn’t include them in the diary entries, but I added a lil photo of me on the train wearing my necklace and pink nails to this one, it’s weird seeing me with all that facial hair now, you forget how much you change over time … funny! So glad I took these photos, in fact, I’m going to add photos to all the other Gender Identity Clinic entries as well :)
*end of future me*
Hmm, on the train again. Off to the Gender Identity Clinic for visit number 16. The last visit was emotional, but I have a feeling today’s will be a strange one. Not sure why, just have that vibe. I feel a lot better mentally than I have in months, so that’s good, and I’m wearing a little necklace today that’s reflecting the sun shining through the train window onto my sketchbook. Looks cool :)
I trust the universe. Trust everything will be ok in time, but having switched to the pills a few weeks ago, I’ve had a few negative side effects. My right leg has this odd sensation, in the back of the knee. It doesn’t hurt, sometimes a stingy feeling, but it’s odd and hard to explain. It bothered me enough to go see the GP this morning. She examined my legs and said all is good. I believe it’s either anxiety, or growing pains. As my Sister would say though, better to be safe than sorry, so I’m glad I got it checked out.
See, the pills are so strange. I have lots of positive effects, my nipples for instance are a lot more sensitive, which is a sign of growth, yet, this is maybe too much information, but I’ve had a return of erections. I really dislike this, but I can put up with it if I have to. This must be due to an increase in testosterone levels, but it confuses me how it could have changed just by switching to the pills. Odd. I need to let it be and see what happens. I have blood tests in a few weeks, so will find out my numbers than.
The sensations in my leg are distracting and playing on my mind a bit. I’m going to meditate on them and make myself say thank you. Every time I feel it, I will say thank you. Thank you leg for this sensation which signifies growing pains :) That’s what I’ll do, these feelings in my leg are a positive sign of progress! Something else related to my body, my facial hair has been removed quite a lot now after the latest laser hair removal session, apart from those sodding grey hairs lol While I don’t like looking in the mirror at the minute, I feel ugly, I sometimes have a glimpse of Sophie smiling at me. Hard to explain, but I can see and feel her.
I’m going to go and sketch some spheres in my sketchbook now before the visit :)
HONEY, YOU AIN’T GETTING ANY YOUNGER
Well, I might feel ugly, but that was a beautiful session. Really lovely today. We spoke about my Sister, about my Niece, about trust, about my issues with my gender Doctor; ironically, our session today was held in his office lol We also spoke about age, about growing old, about the conflict between Sophie being young and the reality of being older. We even had time to talk about my leg pains. It flowed nicely today, from one thing to another.
Talking to her, I realised I’ve moved on from my child abuse, moved on from my Mum. It was a talk I had with my Sister a couple weeks ago that changed everything. That talk allowed me to let go of it all. Let go of my past, I don’t need to know why anymore. It doesn’t matter why, it’s just the way it was.
With the feeling in my leg, my gender therapist said older ladies, and some trans females, get that due to menopause. She said one word which described the sensation perfectly. Tension. That’s what it feels like, feels like a tension inside my knee, a muscle tension. So she recommended magnesium pills 400 – 800 mg a day. I’ve just bought some in the shop before getting on the train home :)
I explained how angry I got with my Doctor after receiving that letter, but how it turned into a good thing, because it allowed me to see sense and let go of needing to be in control. So there’s lots of letting go at the minute! She said I can switch Doctors if I want, I really considered it, but I said leave it for now. I think I can learn a lot from him.
The main topic today though was age. Growing old. Feeling ugly, because I can see signs of ageing. The truth is, Sophie is young. She is effectively still a little girl. So I’m evolving into Sophie with this older body. There’s a conflict. It’s very upsetting, I even found it hard to talk about at first. I will never, at least in this life, be able to experience life as little Sophie. That makes me so sad. Never be able, as my gender therapist put it, to do my makeup for the first time with all the girls, never be able to wear all those little bikinis on the beach with a young body, never be able to go on my first date and talk about it at School, I will never have this really important, and arguably most fun, part of my life. That’s gone. It really is sad. My gender therapist said it’s like a form of mourning. It is a loss, she said. I sense she’s had this conversation many times before with other trans ladies.
So, I see this as like I’m in a phase of having to accept the truth. That I am older, than I am only going to get older, and that’s the way it is. I always study ladies when I’m outside, seeing what they wear, how they walk, the essence they have … and I’ve seen many older ladies who are still pretty, still elegant, still have this attractive energy about them. So, I may be older, but I can still rock it :) Sophie can still be herself, I’ll just adapt to the situation. I said to my therapist, no matter what happens, I know all you have to do is your best, no matter the obstacle, you can always adapt.
It is still very sad though. My therapist said you’re basically going through a second puberty, yet in an older body, so it is at odds with each other. She said about looking in the mirror. I said how at the moment I’m struggling to look at myself in the mirror. I feel ugly. I said I can see signs of ageing, to which she said, “Honey, you ain’t getting any younger.” I adore her! She just says it how it is, she made me smile, it’s the truth … we all have to age. It’s a shame I can’t be young Sophie, but this is how it is. I was never ready before to become me, so it could never have been in this life.
Bit of a detour, but I believe, deep inside, that I’ll be reborn as a girl. I will get to live as a young girl, have the childhood I should have had, it’s just I won’t be aware of it, which is bitter sweet. I had this meditation once, where I saw a little girl called Sophie sitting on a bench saying to her Mum, “Look Mummy, someones carved my name onto the bench.” It was me, in my current life as older Sophie who had carved my name into the bench, but I could feel in the meditation that I was now this little girl. So it was actually me that was seeing the craving that I had done in my previous life, I felt this connection, as if It somehow made us both aware of each others existence. It will make this little girl truly appreciate her childhood.
Back to the session, my therapist said it’s important to understand why the old signs are such a deal, and why I feel ugly. I said if no one else was on the earth, just me, I wouldn’t care, so it has to be linked to people. She said look into that, that’s your starting point, explaining how society judges you on how you look and your age, so there’s something there to work with. She said I’m not ugly, I have lovely big eyes, beautiful hands, which made me hide my hands under my legs. Argh, I got embarrassed lol
Certainly going to be a tough one to overcome this age thing, it feels like a deep acceptance is needed. I accepted myself as transgender, now it’s time to accept myself as me; an older trans lady, with a super young spirit inside her :)
Visit seventeen took place on the 13th of April 2017, and was the ‘mind lies‘ visit