54 • THE LAURELS GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC VISIT 18

Future me here *waves* re-reading this hope visit diary entry makes me even more grateful than I already was for my gender therapist. Talking about deep mental issues and fears with someone you trust, is one of the most healing things you can do. Without the help and support of my gender therapist, I know I wouldn’t have made it through this period of my life.

*end of future me*

ZzZzZzZzZ lol I is so tired. I’m on the train to Exeter, to see my gender therapist again for visit number 18 … hmm, wonder how many of these I’ll end up having in the end :)

Today’s session was supposed to be in two weeks time, but I had to bring it forward after having a tough few weeks mentally since the last session. She was kind enough to allow the session to be today; I’m so thankful.

I have a sense this session could be rather intense, but than, in the past I’ve thought that and they’ve turned out to peaceful, so who knows.

I’ve done a lot of thinking since suffering that transgender abuse. I worked out that over a six week period, having been out a total of eight times as Sophie, I’ve suffered five occasions of abuse in various forms.

That’s over 50% chance I will get abuse when I go out in public!

I’m not sure I can handle anymore at the moment, so I’ve stepped back a bit. Maybe it’s fear, but that’s what I feel I need to do right now, so that’s what I’ve done; I always follow my heart.

I want to talk to my therapist about two topics which are linked, but are pretty far out there in terms of what’s considered the ‘social norm’. I’m not sure what to do, even though I know in my heart I’m going to do them … not sure why I need to talk to her about it really, but I feel like I do.

The Two Topics are

1. Changing my name to Sophie now, before presenting full time in female mode

2. Being natural me. Like, totally me. Aka, not trying to be a female version of me, or a male version … just being me; a hybrid. Makeup, female clothes, heels if I want, no wig, showing my balding hair and rocking facial hair too if I feel like it.

Basically, I just want to be me.

I realise this could potentially lead to more abuse, yet somehow I know with certainty, I wouldn’t be phased by it; I could handle it.

So odd, because logically … it should be easier to handle abuse when in full female mode with wig and loads of makeup etc. I’m slightly confused at the moment myself. The thing is, my heart wants it like this … so that’s what it will get :)

I can tell big change is on the horizon.

THE SESSION

I love my Therapist; she’s the most important person to have ever entered my life. It was an intense session … for once I was right :) It was so intense my brain almost popped. Honestly. So intense I had to cover my eyes as I cried and took in all the stuff she was telling me.

So intense. So beautifully inspiring. So full of hope.

I will call this one the hope visit. I connected with her today in ways unimaginable. Wow is all I can say. I can’t even explain what she said as it’s very personal. It went back to my childhood, with the child abuse I’ve spoke about before. My therapist knows what I need to do. I know what I need to do.

I will love myself the way I am.

I feel in sync with the Universe. I need to face Mum and Dad in my mind, to be able to love myself, as  I haven’t fully let go of the past.

I am speechless. I am totally speechless with what was said today. My therapist has inspired me to such an insane level, and given me so much hope. I really wish I could share what was said; maybe one day.

Thank you universe for bringing my gender therapist into my life.

Visit nineteen took place on the 15th of June 2017, and was the ‘just be yourself‘ visit