ABOUT ME / MY DIARY /
ORIGINALLY POSTED 15th JUNE 2017
Future me here *waves* amazing how life flows. It’s now 2021, four years after this Just Be Yourself diary entry, and having recently finished a book called The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho, I realised something. I talk about the book briefly during the end of the So Free Art Podcast episode 154, but it’s a fable about following your dream … well, rereading this diary entry, it’s amazing how much this ‘fable‘ is true.
When you follow your dream, the Universe is by your side, helping you the whole way.
*end of future me*
Didn’t write on the train this time. Instead, I’m sat outside the clinic, enjoying the sunshine, and the birds flying free :)
I’m sat here as Me. Not Kevin. Not Sophie. But Me. A hybrid, a bit of both.
Wearing a nice little blue dress and heels, a straw hat, bit of eye and lip makeup, but no wig. No wig, and I didn’t bother shaving my facial hair. Thought why bother? lol
I FEEL SO COMPLETE. I FEEL SO ALIVE. I FEEL SO FREE
Time to stop writing; going to go in and see my therapist now. I pre-warned her this time, unlike visit number 17, where I confused her by turning up in full female mode unannounced lol
Sat in the Gender Identity Clinic now
I’ve never had so many people smile at me before in my life; wonder if it’s because I’m smiling now, so they’re smiling back.
Maybe I’ve never smiled before?
It’s so nice to see so many smiles though: Smiles on the train, Smiles in the park, Smiles in town, Smiles as I sat and ate my sandwiches outside … mostly ladies, but they’re really nice smiles; pure, ‘from the heart’ smiles.
THE SESSION
That session was really nice; a very confidence inducing session, with the overall message – just be yourself :)
We spoke a bit about being gender fluid, and how this has kind of gone full circle. Back at the very first visit I said I believed I was non binary. I than went full female, only to settle on the non binary. As I said back than, I’ve always felt more female than male, but not 100% female.
I think this sums it up beautifully actually. I want to be as female as possible, but whatever I end up as, that’s ok too. If I can’t get rid of all my facial hair, thank you for trying. If I can’t do this, or can’t do that, thank you for trying :) I’ll give it everything I’ve got and see what happens.
The session though was mostly about Dad; about closure from the past. Moving on with my life. My therapist said to write a letter to Dad, explaining my feelings, and another one to Mum. I currently don’t speak to either Mum or Dad; Dad due to a disagreement over my transition, Mum due to unrelated trust issues.
I’m not sure if I’m ready to write them letters yet.
MONTHS LATER
I always hand write these diary entries, typing them up on the computer later, but I’m a bit behind with getting them onto the site, so I’m writing this extra bit on October 24th … four months after the visit! as lilSOPHiE would say, *eek*
The Universe is beautiful how things play out, because that week … as I was struggling to write a letter to Dad explaining everything, he actually sent me an email out of the blue. It wasn’t the nicest email, in fact it was bloody horrible lol
Reading it didn’t affect me anymore though. I read it and thought … I don’t need to try and write anything to Dad.
I shared the email with my therapist at the next session. Reading the email she could see signs of how Dad’s struggling to accept the changing ways of the world, that he does love me, but that he’s scared. She agreed that the language used, and the way it was phrased, left a lot to be desired though.
He can wait, she said. He was demanding I reply to him … I don’t have to. This letter gave me a mini aha moment about Dad’s language and negative opinions … I suddenly put two and two together. They sounded just like the crap I hear in my head that tries to stop me from being my true self.
Dads opinion is just that, an opinion. It’s an opinion I used to believe … but I don’t anymore.
That’s when it clicked: Negative thoughts are lies. You don’t have to believe them
I’m not sure if this letter really came from Dad, or the Universe, but it arrived in perfect timing. Even my Gender Therapist commented on the timing of the letter.
I love you Universe.
Visit twenty took place on the 6th of July 2017, and was the ‘panic attack‘ visit