56 • THE LAURELS GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC VISIT 20

Future me here *waves* panic attacks! I need to do a diary entry just talking about those tings. They followed me for most of my teens, twenties. and into my thirties. If you’ve never experienced a Panic attack before, you haven’t lived lol I’m joking, panic attacks are so intense, so real feeling, such a full body/mind fear experience, that I wouldn’t wish them on anyone.

I now see panic attacks as negative thoughts that have been believed so much, they’ve taken over your mind and body. They’re powerful things, until you realise where the true power lies, in your awareness. 

Here’s some photos I never posted at the time from my day out to the gender identity clinic on 15th June 2017. It was a day when I wore the biggest hat in the world, a Pigeon sat on my knee, and I faced the world as wigless me, despite the panic attacks.

*end of future me*

Today could be very, very upsetting.

I’m sat on the platform as me … wigless, with a big straw hat on :) It’s super hot today but I’m very happy at the moment. The reason it could be upsetting though, is a few weeks ago I got a letter from the Gender Clinic saying they were going to stop therapists at the clinic…so, today I could find out that my therapist will be leaving my life.

That’s a scary thought.

I have meditated on her leaving my life many times, as I always knew one day she wouldn’t be there anymore, so I have started preparing myself mentally, but it’s still really scary and makes me feel so sad. The good thing about thinking this thought though, is when you’re with her you really appreciate her, knowing one day she won’t be there anymore; I never take her for granted.

Also, today I need to tell her I’m following my instincts. If she ever says something wise, if my instinct says otherwise, I will go with my instinct over her wisdom. This is due to a few things, but mainly because she said to start the drug Citalopram, to help with the suicidal feelings. She kept bringing it up for months, but the whole time my instinct said no, this is a mental thing that needs to be dealt with in the mind, not via drugs, but I ended up taking her advice and starting Citalopram.

I have felt terrible ever since, so I’m pulling myself off it. I’m also going with my instinct in all occasions moving forward, following my heart 100% no matter how mad it may seem. An example is deciding to go wigless, my heart said do it but my head said logically that won’t make sense, going wigless will make the transgender abuse worse, but even with it sounding mad on paper, I followed my heart my instinct was right.

From now on, I will never ever question my instinct again.

THE SESSION

It really was an emotional session … but for reasons I couldn’t have predicted.

Firstly, they are changing the way therapists operate, but she’s keeping her job, so I will still get to see her :) It’s just, due to such a long waiting list to get into the clinic, sessions will now be shorter and spaced further apart. Which I am so thankful for; She keeps her job, I still get to have her in my life, and more people will get to experience her energy :)

I said, I don’t mean to be rude but I only started taking Citalopram because you kept going on about it. I didn’t mean it like that, but that’s how it came out, which I felt a little guilty about. She was fine though… explaining how she was only bringing it up as she was concerned for me.

Random thought, but I don’t give a F@#K about my body anymore, so why am I still focused on it? *future me* conditioning *end of future me*

The session was odd because I suffered a panic attack. I become obsessed over sweating, it took me back to my twenties when I used to get insane panic attacks in social situations, but I haven’t felt that way since forever, so much so, I had forgotten how bad it actually felt.

I believe it’s because I stopped the Citalopram, withdraw symptoms or something. As I said, Citalopram has effected me in a really negative way, can’t wait for that stuff to be out my body. However, at least I tried it … proves I will do whatever I have to do to overcome the inner demons. These demons are on borrowed time.

Visit twenty one took place on the 3rd of August 2017, and was the ‘playstation 4‘ visit