ORIGINALLY POSTED 7th JUNE 2018
Hello again *waves* future me here, it’s June 2021 as I write this, and re-reading this diary entry made me a lil sad. I miss two things. One, the train trips to the gender clinic, they were like mini adventures :) And two, my therapist. It’s nearly 3 years now since I last saw her, amazing how quickly the time vanishes before our eyes isn’t it, we’ll all be dead soon lol
*end of future me*
I wrote the following diary entry on the 22nd of February 2018, the day of my 25th visit to the Gender Identity Clinic to see my therapist …
It’s that time again, Gender Identity Clinic visit 25 … that seems crazy. It might be one of the last ones now. I’ve been looking forward to this one for a while, really want to talk to my therapist about Lucid Dreaming and Spirituality, which is something that recently entered my life; I actually spoke about my first Lucid Dream on episode 2 of the So Free Art Podcast if you’re into that sort of ting :)
I remember ages ago my therapist said how her Mum was able to see premonitions, so I’m interested to see if she has ever heard about Lucid Dreaming. I’m also going to be seeing a girl called Lucy for an hour before the session, to talk about Genital Reassignment Surgery. Something my therapist arranged during our last visit, but Lucy was kind enough to email me saying she will bring in her equipment and explain what maintenance needs to be done post surgery etc.
Not sure what I’m going to say to her, but I’m pretty excited to see and learn more about the process. So that’s it, I’m going to go and read for an hour now until the train gets there :)
A funny thing just happened … the session finished about 30 minutes ago and I’m just at the train station now to go home, but like magic, my therapist popped out of no where in the train station lol I walked in and there she was, right in front of me. So having just said good bye to her at the clinic, as I walked into the train station I found myself saying hello to her lol
I was like, what the! Turns out she got the bus and so beat me there. It was so weird to see her out of the clinic though, I associate her with that place, so it was so very strange seeing her out in the wild lol It really did feel like she had teleported there too lol I’m sat on the platform now writing. That was a nice session. We spoke about Lucid Dreaming, Animals and how we’re all killing them, Genital Reassignment Surgery and how I’m still struggling to go to work as me.
She asked why I’m finding it so hard to go to work as me. I can’t answer it. I thought as best I could, but there seems to be no reason. I just said out loud fear. That’s all I could say. It’s always fear, I even said that to Lucy beforehand too. No I didn’t, I said to Lucy how it’s all in the mind.
But than Fear is all in the mind, so that is sort of the same thing :)
I said I know I’ll be going to work as me in the end, so it doesn’t matter too much, but it does matter. I know going to work as me will happen when the time is right, so I’m ok with it taking as long as it needs, but at the same time, part of me just wants to get it over with as the longer I put it off, the harder it gets. The longer I wait, the bigger the fear gets.
Something I wasn’t scared to do this time though, unlike at the last session, was ask for a photo of me and my therapist together … she said yes, woohoo. So here it is :) A photo of the most important person to have ever entered my life. Thank you universe.
Lucid dreaming discussion was fun though, she said she was getting the hairs on her arms standing on end as I spoke about some of my lucid dreams. Lucid Dreaming is definitely something with huge potential to help with not just artistic creativity, but also with understanding, and overcoming, the various fears and mental obstacles of transitioning. Thing is, learning to Lucid Dream is like transition … it takes time.
Patience … must have patience.
GENITAL REASSIGNMENT SURGERY
I am leaning more towards it now. We must have started talking about sexual relationships, because my therapist said how I have no interest in sex now, and never have, but after surgery maybe it will awaken in me as I will feel complete. Seeing my true body in the mirror she said, would be powerful.
This is something Lucy said before the session too. Lucy said how looking in the mirror and seeing your body the way it’s supposed to be, you just can’t imagine what that feels like. That’s the thing. You don’t really know what you’re going to feel, so going ahead with the Genital Reassignment Surgery is like taking a giant leap into the unknown.
Lucy did show me all the tools she uses to clean her fanny lol Sorry, but I don’t know how else to phrase it :) It’s a lot of maintenance, three months off for surgery for starters, than you have to clean the fanny (that word makes me giggly) by inserting these tools, which look like glass dildos up there and keeping them in place for 45 minutes. So you have to sit still and keep it there for 45 minutes, if you don’t the tissue may stick back together potentially losing length and/or sensitivity … so it’s pretty important to be strict on this cleaning practice.
Thing is, it’s three lots of 45 minute sessions a day for the first three months ! two hours a day! … than it’s two times a day for three months after that, than after those six months, it’s one 45 minute session a day forever. That’s a lot of time spend sitting around cleaning … Lucy said she has a routine so while it seems a long time, she said you just find a way to plan it into your day and don’t even notice it.
Guess for those first three months you aren’t allowed to work anyway, so you will have lots of free time, might as well spend it cleaning :) It was very strange thinking about having a fanny down there instead of a willy though lol I honestly have never really thought about it before, guess I never allowed myself to think about it, but it’s kind of impossible to imagine what it would feel like.
I said to Lucy how the main reason I would want surgery is because it gets in the way, and I don’t want to feel self conscious while swimming etc … she said, you’re swimming? I said yes, and she said well, that’s reason enough right there … she said after she had surgery she started swimming, and it was liberating to not have to hide anything.
So the two sessions kind of blending into each other, both being mainly about Genital Reassignment Surgery.
I have to think about it now, it’s such a big life changing decision.
Visit Twenty Six took place on the 19th of April 2018, and was the ‘breaking bad habits is hard‘ visit