ORIGINALLY POSTED 21st OCTOBER 2015
Future me here *waves* This period of my life was one of the craziest so far. The ‘current situation’ I keep referring to in this diary entry about my fifth visit to The Laurels Gender Identity Clinic, was moving in with my Mum, with the goal of helping us both evolve, than moving back out only a few months later. Looking back now, five years later, I realise we both weren’t ready. We both still had a lot of inner work to do. This was one of the worst, but best things that ever happened.
Oh and my Gender Therapist was right … Sophie’s Time Did Come :)
*end of future me*
Today, 21st October, would have been Nans birthday. My name’s partly thanks to Nan. I wonder what she’d be thinking about the current situation. The past few months have been mad. So much going on, I could write a book about it, in fact, I expect it will be a pretty pivotal chapter in my future autobiography lol The chapter where I painfully let go of my Mum and start to spread my wings. So today’s gender clinic visit is clouded in confusion. I’ll see my gender therapist in just over an hour, not really knowing what’s going to happen.
The truth is, my goal today was to talk to her about hormones. However, after recent events, talking about hormones doesn’t seem so important. The train’s just left Plymouth. Off we go, travelling backwards, I hate sitting on the train backwards :( Maybe this is a reflection of my current situation … having to take a few steps in reverse to get back on track. My Trance tunes are on, too much talking going on behind me.
Today I feel very emotional. I’ve been thinking a lot, thinking about my Mum, thinking about my Art, and thinking about what to do next. I want to evolve into Sophie naturally, no matter how long it takes, but I want and need to focus on my art. It’s been so hard to find the balance, but my art is the thing that gives me strength. Sophie and my femininity will flow out of my art. I need to remember, art has to be my focus.
Time to stop writing, and enjoy my music for the rest of the journey.
What a beautiful session.
I’m on my way home now. I’m stood outside the gender clinic with my pink notepad scribbling away, I haven’t even waited till I get on the train to start writing my thoughts down. Today we spoke mainly about the reason for my current confusion – my Mum. We also found time to talk about hormones, meditation, visions, girlfriends, quantum mechanics and other pretty amazing things.
I love my gender therapist. I cannot express how special she. We can talk about anything, I feel so comfortable around her. I’m so thankful she entered my life. I didn’t know what today’s session was going to be like, but it just flowed so beautifully as if it was already written.
She made me see the situation with my Mum from a different angle. I now feel so much more positive, not just about me, but about my Mum too. Even with all the pain at the moment, I still feel incredibly strong, and now with her help, I’m excited for the future. She basically made me see that I needed to break free from my Mum and build my own life. My own family, find a girlfriend. A girl who knows about Sophie from day one.
Like on persona 4, find someone who I can form an unbreakable bond with :)
I know she’s out there somewhere. I’ve seen her in my visions mwwhahahaaa. My gender therapist made me see the past few months as a massive positive. Not time wasted, but something that was needed for both me and my Mum. She said something that made me smile, for it mimicked what I was already thinking before I even said anything to her … as if she read my mind. She said “Focus on your art as it’s a way of channeling your femininity, and it gives you strength.” She said I seem to connect with a higher power via art, and that she’s seen a massive change in me since I first started going to the gender clinic. “Focus on you art” she said, “Everything will work out with Sophie in time.” Art is where I’ll make sense of everything.
Which is funny, because only a few days ago my Sister said to me Art is like a form of therapy. My gender therapist also said something that will stick in my mind forever, one of those quotes that will pop into my head whenever the doubt hits.
“SOPHIE’S TIME WILL COME”
We spoke about hormones, I said I thought transitioning would take up so much time that I wouldn’t be able to focus on art or anything else. Not so. She said that’s what a lot of people say to her, but the truth is, you’ll have plenty of time. So my art will not have to suffer. I always imagined it was either or, but I feel now it could be both together whenever the time’s right.
Over the past year I’ve kept writing down, ‘Art and Sophie is all I need’. They will help each other, in ways I probably can’t even imagine, but I need both and I need only both. Everything else is a bonus :) We spoke about the universe, visions, meditation, quantum mechanics and even about death and where we go when we die.
This session went off in a deep direction, and I loved it. I felt like we both got something out of today’s chat :) She spoke about how where she was brought up, in New Zealand, they have people who see visions and how her Mum has an almost physic connection with her. It was such an interesting session.
She is so right about one thing. I only ever saw my Mum as the person who I’d be able to fully open up and truly become Sophie around. Now that I need to distance myself from Mum, it will pave the way for new possibilities. For a new person to enter my life. The soulmate I’ve been patiently waiting for all these years :) Someone who I can share my heart with and form a close bond. I hope she’s an artist :) We could go exploring, painting, and taking photos together.
I can picture it now, us watching the sunset, our shadows dancing around behind us as we feverishly paint away. My vision will come true, it just won’t be with Mum as I thought, but with a new as yet mysterious person.
I just need to remember, when I’ve got my head down focused on art – Sophie’s time will come.
Visit six took place on 20th December 2015 and was the ‘making sense of it all’ visit