Gender Identity Clinic Visits My Transitioning Diary

THE LAURELS GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC VISIT 28

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[dropcap]T[/dropcap]his is it … the saying goodbye to my therapist session. This could potentially be the last time I ever see my therapist, as she’s leaving to have a baby. We were supposed to have two more sessions at the Gender Identity Clinic, but she had to leave earlier than expected to rest, so this becomes our final session together :(

It feels odd. I keep feeling sad, yet at the same time incredibly grateful for her having come into my life. I wouldn’t be here without her, I know that for certain. All I want to do today is say thank you. If I can do that, I will be happy.

It’s been a bit of a tough few weeks, most likely due to trying to work out if I made a mistake in saying no to Genital Reassignment Surgery, and than at swimming last weekend I had a moment where I broke down in the pool during my lesson. The teacher asked me to do something and I found myself saying out loud, I can’t … it was nothing to do with swimming, she wanted me to do a dancing motion in the pool and I just couldn’t. I felt this overwhelming fear of not wanting to look silly, of being judged.

Thing is, as I said I can’t, it triggered something deep. I will work on it over the coming weeks, because while it really knocked my confidence and forced me to leave the pool early, I sort of felt like something happened at the same time, like an insight. I’m still trying to understand it, but it feels like one of those moments where in time, I will look back and see it as a massive positive mindset changing moment.

I have been in a bit of a funk since though, so don’t want to bring the funk vibes into the session … lol, that sounds cool actually, funk vibes, think I’ve got their second album lol :) … no, hopefully I don’t bring the funk into the session, but if I do, I will accept it.

So the plan is to say thank you, try not to cry as we say goodbye, and just enjoy our last session together. Ohhh, and since the last session, I changed my mind and said yes to Genital Reassignment Surgery. So that may come up, pardon the pun lol Man, I’m in a funk yet still cracking jokes :)

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SHE HELPED ME BECOME ME.”

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LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED

Over and out. I just said goodbye to her for maybe the last time.

It was emotional, but I liked it. I am so thankful to her. So thankful I can’t even explain it. She helped me become the person I never thought I could be, but always wanted to be. She helped me become me.

This is strange, but I sort of have nothing to say.

This lady is without doubt the most important person to have ever entered my life, a gift from the Universe, and there is a chance I will never see her again :( That’s so sad, but than that is part of life. Everything, and everyone, leaves in the end … which is sad, yet beautiful at the same time.

I wish her all the best moving forward. Her future daughter is so lucky to come into this world with a Mum like her. Universe, look after them.

We did talk about stuff, like our deep conversations over the years, about the future, about changing my mind on Genital Reassignment Surgery … but there’s one thing she said that will stick with me forever moving forward.

We were so similar, that’s why we connected so much. She too was very spiritual like me, and when I spoke about how I was thinking about looking into Past Life Regression, she said … when she was young, someone told her to try everything. “Try all types of practices on your spiritual path,” she said.

This mentality I’ve sort of adopted in my life after I started learning how to draw. Trying to get good at drawing and painting, I realised you have to give everything a go, even if you feel it may not be for you, you have to give it a go, because you just never know how much it may actually be perfect for you, until you try.

The thing she said that will stick with me forever though, was to LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED.

When she said that, it really resonated because written up on my whiteboard, and a quote that has been motivating me for a few years now, is to Leave No Stone Unturned :) For that particular phase to be one of the final things I remember her saying to me. Wow. She always knew what to say, I sometimes felt like she was inside my head finding the precious thing to say or do to help me in each difficult moment.

I’m sure she isn’t leaving to have a baby, but has been called back to the spirit realm :) I will miss her, but I will Never. Ever. Forget her.

She truly helped change my life.

The next visit will be with a new therapist and my goodness has she got some big boots to fill, but who knows, maybe she’ll be able to help me turn over some of these big heavy stones that keep blocking my path:)

 

Visit Twenty Nine will take place on the 27th of August, 2018

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COMMENTS

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RELATED DIARY ENTRIES

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If you would like to keep up to date with my art / life journey, one of the best ways is via my newsletter. The newsletter goes out on the 14th of each month, with the monthly postcard draw taking place on the 1st. I have been sending out little emails since February, so it is the best place to find me at the moment :)

You can find out more about my newsletter here

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“Nature chooses who will be transgender; individuals don’t choose this.”

Mercedes Ruehl

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