ABOUT ME / MY DIARY /
ORIGINALLY POSTED 27th MARCH 2015
Future me here *waves* This diary entry, from nearly 6 years ago now really highlights how tricky it can be sometimes trying to find the truth. Accepting my gender and facing Social Anxiety were both really coming to the forefront of my awareness at this time. What I’ve noticed is, as you start facing the truth, you start to get feelings, but you actually nee to learn how to process these feelings. It’s confusing, because sometimes, the fear part of you, that part that seems hell bent on sabotaging your efforts to grow can appear and be mistaken as a truth.
It’s subtle, and even now, I still get taken in by negative feelings pretending to be positive. This is the thing, sometimes you’ll do something that you think it the right thing, but in fact, your mind is tricking you into doing something negative because it’s trying to stop you evolving.
Rereading this diary entry is crazy to me. To think I was actually considering quitting my gender therapy sessions. If I had let that thought win, I wouldn’t be me now. Well I would, but I wouldn’t be the me me of now lol I’d maybe even still be living as Kevin? Imagine if there’s an alternative universe though, where Kevin is writing about how he quit the gender clinic and it was the best thing he ever did, as it allowed him to focus on his art lol That would be funny. Maybe I am actually living in the not best timeline?
At the time of writing though, I’ve had over 30 therapy sessions, and they have been the most important thing I ever did in my life. To think my mind was trying to put an end to these sessions. I did actually stop going to Transgender Support Groups because of the feelings I talk about in this diary entry, but such is the power of the Universe, such is the power of the truth, that a few years later, I guess when I was ready, a new Transgender Support Group entered my life :)
This is the important thing I’ve learnt over the past few years. It’s all about feeling your way through life. Maybe you do need to go off in all these ‘wrong’ directions to find the right one? Still, even now I find the mind a fascinating creature, it’s so sneaky, almost like it’s playing a game with itself. Sometimes, I both love and hate the mind at the same time.
*end of future me*
I’ve always believed in fate and destiny, it was almost magical the way my gender therapist entered my life. Since playing Persona 4 Golden in 2012, my life has been a string of synchronicities, first bringing Art into my life, than Meditation, than presenting me with opportunities to change my life, like taking voluntary redundancy at a job I had decided I was going to quit.
Is the universe now showing me signs that it’s time to move on once more? I think it is. It’s showing me what I know deep down in my heart, that thanks to the gender identity clinic, and my gender therapist, I’ve found what I needed to find.
The signs from the universe are very clear to me, last month on the 26th of February I was due to have a third visit with my gender therapist, but on the day of the appointment, while I was on the train up there in fact, I received a phone call to say my therapist had cancelled the appointment. I took that opportunity to get off the train at a different stop and just explore for a while before coming back home.
My gender therapist rang me up the next day, and after a little chat we arranged for today, March 27th 2015 to be a new date for our third appointment. I was excited, my gender therapist is without doubt the most important person who has ever entered my life. I adore her, she is genuinely happy, and so nice to be around, I’m so thankful she and I found each other.
All March I’ve been looking forward to seeing her today, however, during this time I also had an ah ha moment, where I had a thought that maybe I’d gotten out of the gender support groups exactly what I was looking for and needed to find, albeit not in the way I had ever expected. I decided there was no need for me to go to the gender support groups any more, and so was happy to scale back and only continue seeing my gender therapist every couple of months.
So today came around, I woke up nice and early to get the train, when I received another message on my phone … this time, they caught me just before I had got on the train, but sadly my gender therapist isn’t feeling very well again and so had to cancel for the second time in a row. Is this a sign? Is the universe telling me it’s time to move on? It’s very telling that in my 28th of January 2015 diary entry, after my first visit to a Transgender Support Group, I wrote
“I’ve realised something very important tonight … this isn’t about my Gender any more, tonight wasn’t about my gender like I thought it would be. I kind of don’t care about my gender any more, I am what I am and that’s that, this is about my social anxiety.”
I wrote that subconsciously, and didn’t really give it much thought at the time, but looking back now, I look at this quote and see it in a totally different light. This was actually a very important thing for me to realise.
This ISN’T about my gender anymore, I have quite simply accepted it, it is part of me, it is who I am, it’s the way it is … this feeling is exactly the feeling I wanted when I originally signed up to the gender clinic – to find myself, to accept myself … to allow myself to be me. I can feel that my time at the gender clinic is coming to an end. This fills me with great sadness, I’ve actually meditated on my gender therapist before, letting the thought of saying goodbye to her for the final time enter my mind and I was overwhelmed with sadness.
I don’t want to have to say bye to her, even writing this now, thinking about it makes me really sad. As I said before though, everything must come to an end, and I can feel it from within, that “following my heart” feeling again, that the time to move on is very close!