The day I told my Mum I was Transgender, with Transgender Model & Artist Sophie Lawson

Future me from the year 2020 here *waves* The following diary entry I wrote the day I told my Mum I was Transgender, on 26th July 2004. I was quite emotional at the time, as she was the first person I ever told about my female side. In 2004 I was still living in fear of being transgender, and I wasn’t even into drawing, so I wrote this, and many other personal diary entries that year, just for me. I find it nice that these old memories will now have a home for all to see!

*end of future me*

I never thought it could be so hard just to say a few words. I was over my Mums today but her boyfriend was in, and I needed to get her on her own, as I wanted to tell her I was Transgender. I said I needed to go up the shop and she came up with me, but as we walked up the shop and back again, I just couldn’t get the words out. I tried and tried, and so nearly said it, but couldn’t. Than, later on, I said I’m going now, and she walked up the bus stop with me.

She said she was going to come over Thursday or Friday to see me, so I thought maybe I’ll leave it and tell her at my place. I walked to the bus stop and waited, some women were there, so I said to Mum,

“Mum can we walk up to the next stop?” Mum looked a bit puzzled but said, “Yeah, ok.” I said, “Mum, I’ve got to tell you something.” There was no going back now. I felt happy that I at least said something. Mum said “What? What is it? You’ve got to tell me!” I than said “Mum, firstly I’m not gay and I want to get married one day and have kids etc” Then she said, “Lets go to the park.”

So off we walked to the local park and sat on a bench. The wind was softly blowing and it just seemed like the perfect moment, the perfect place, and time.

*future me here again. The bench in the image below, taken by me in 2015, is the actual bench where I told my Mum. It was a very surreal feeling returning to it after all these years :)*

The day I told my Mum I was Transgender, with Transgender Model & Artist Sophie Lawson

I just couldn’t get any words out though. A tear rolled down my face. “Mum, I… “ I couldn’t speak. She said, “It doesn’t matter, no matter what it is it wont shock me.” Finally, after what seemed like ages of silence, I just said “Since about the age of 5 I’ve liked dressing up as a girl and I don’t know why. I’ve tried to stop it, I’ve pretended it wasn’t there but I can’t stop it.” She just said, “Aww, well that’s alright. I thought it was going to be something bad.”

I just kept asking “You’ll still speak to me?” and she said “Yes of course silly, why wouldn’t I?” I asked her what she thought of it. She just said, “It’s nothing bad, you’re not hurting anyone, I thought you were going to say you were ill or something.”  I then asked her if my Sister had ever told her that she caught me in her bedroom and she said “No”, she never knew.

Then I asked her if Dad ever dressed up, and she said not that she knew of. I said but he used to go out at Christmas and stuff in fancy dress, what did you think of that. She said she was just a taken aback at how different he looked but it didn’t bother her. We just talked for a while and then she said something amazing. She said, “Maybe when I come over later in the week you can show me!” I was scared but really excited… I didn’t know what to say, I just said “I’m embarrassed”, and she said “Don’t be silly.”

I said I have some photos on me, “oww let me see,” she said. Finally after a few minutes I handed her 2 photos of me dressed as Sophie and she was shocked. She said “oh my goodness, you look so different. Aren’t you pretty…” and then she started going “That’s the sort of dresses I’d wear!” and “I’ve got a dress like that” lol I smiled and she just said, “If you’d said this was your new girlfriend, I would never have known.” Aren’t you pretty she kept saying lol 

She then said, “I bet you’ve been beating yourself up over this haven’t you”, I said “Yes… for years”, and she just said “You are what you are, if it makes you happy your not hurting anyone.” Then she asked if I had thought about going to any clubs or anything for Trans girls and I just said no. I was slightly speechless really because she just wasn’t bothered and even wants to see Sophie later this week. 

The amazing thing that made me feel so proud was, holding the photos she said “Can I keep these…” I was so happy, I said yes, “I’ll put them in my special box with all my special photos and I won’t tell a sole!” she said. Mum also said she was so happy that I felt like I was able to tell her before anyone else. I can’t sum up how I feel, but I love my Mum more then ever and I’m just so relieved. Not only that I told her, but that she is totally cool with it. I’m not scared anymore, I’m getting set free more and more with every day.

– July 26th 2004, The day I told my Mum


Satoru Fujinuma