ABOUT ME / MY DIARY /
ORIGINALLY POSTED 8th OCTOBER 2017
Future me from the year 2021 here *waves* it’s amazing how powerful affirmations are, and how important coming out at art class was. This diary entry is about my first time going to art class as me, aka, Sophie Lawson, me with makeup, dresses etc. I sometimes think this art class was like a little playground sent from the universe for me to practice doing fear based experiments.
First there was wearing pink nail polish, than there was telling people I was transgender, than this … being around people in female mode. Art class was like a little place I felt safe to practice being me before going out into the real world. The years that followed this diary entry saw me eventually throw away all my boy clothes and go to work as me, basically … this one moment was my first step to finally being myself always.
The funny thing is though, once I faced all these fears, the art class left my life. Almost as if the Universe was saying, your work here is done lol
*end of Future me*
This past couple of weeks have been pretty amazing. Two weeks ago, a day after my first Sophie Lawson art exhibition, I went to my weekly Art Class as me.
During the exhibition, organised by the art class, Mike, one of the founders asked, “So are you coming to art class as you from now on? I think you should.” I felt so happy; I felt so accepted.
Something I keep realising is, the mind lies. It has this way of constantly trying to sabotage your effects. Something I read in the book, ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway, by Susan Jeffers‘, during the summer changed a lot of things.
The Fear is always going to be there.
You have to act, regardless of what the mind is saying.
You have to feel in your heart what you should be doing, and do it.
As Satoru Fujinuma said in the Anime Erased, “If you don’t take that first step, a path would open for you.”
This is what I did at the Art Exhibition. I was scared, the mind was trying to create all these fear based stories but my heart said go for it, so I did. I took that first step and walked into the exhibition as me.
That one small step, opened up a beautiful path. If I had listened to the mind I wouldn’t have gone, I didn’t allow myself to start thinking about any what ifs.
WHAT IF? WHATEVER lol
I adore my art class; everyone is so nice, friendly and inspiring that I’d be devastated if it wasn’t part of my life anymore, yet I was willing to risk losing it. I knew if they did reject me, I’d find another one, a better one, one where I’d be accepted as me. So in a strange way, I couldn’t lose.
Going to Art Class as me for the first time two weeks ago was scary, but within a few minutes, I didn’t care. I didn’t care, because it seemed like no one else cared.
The mind had created this story
Everyone will look at you and laugh. Everyone will judge you and treat you differently. Everyone will blah blah blah lol
Being at Art Class I realised, I am still me. I always was me, I just happen to now be wearing a sexy little black dress :) The reality was, everyone treated me the same as they did before I felt content. Everyone was really kind and supportive.
Last weeks art class was even more amazing, because I received a new membership card, with my name on it :)
I’ve been a member of the art class for over two years, but I am now official a member as me; I feel so accepted :)
AFFIRMATIONS REALLY DO WORK
An affirmation is a phase you say out loud to yourself multiple times a day, such as, “I always do my best.”
You say it all the time, especially first thing in the morning, and just before bed. You say it so many times, that you no longer believe it, you know it.
One of the affirmations I started over two months ago, was I AM MYSELF AT ART CLASS.
I remember when I first started saying this, I felt a bit uneasy. A bit like, I can’t do that. The more I said it though, the more I started to believe it. Until finally I reached a point where I said it and knew it was true. Than, I found myself at art class, as me. This thing that seemed impossible and scary not long ago, was now a reality. Affirmations really do work.
One of my new ones is, I AM MYSELF AT WORK. I don’t believe this one yet, in fact, saying this out loud even now, scares the crap out of me; yet there is this tiny piece of me, that smiles whenever I say it.
I smile, because I know one day in the future, I will be myself at work.
Once that happens, I’ll be a step closer to one of my other other affirmations –
I AM MYSELF ALWAYS