The Calmness of Christmas ... a Transgender Diary Entry with Transgender Artist & Model Sophie Lawson

Future me here *waves* It’s now 2020, and it’s so weird reading these old diary entries. This one reminds me just how much fear was in my life back in 2014. I was still living as Kevin Preston, and everything was so scary, just going into a shop to buy some makeup was a massive challenge, now I wouldn’t even think twice about it. It’s amazing how much you evolve over time just by taking lil baby steps each day.

It’s too easy to forget what you had to go through to get here sometimes though.This is why I love writing so much, one day you’ll read what you wrote and feel so grateful to past self for having the courage to face these fears, and at the same time excited for what impossible things future self might be doing :)

*end of future me*

Christmas 2014 was so much fun! Feels a bit like the calm before the storm, as I suspect 2015 is going to be a bit of a roller coaster, so it was nice to just chill and enjoy Christmas. I went round to my Mum on Christmas day, and I think it was one of the best Christmases I’ve had in years; Mum seemed happy, and I was happy, so all was good in the hood :) My Mum even bought me some female clothes as gifts :)

Christmas Clothes Shopping and The Calmness of Christmas ... a Transgender Diary Entry with Transgender Artist & Model Sophie Lawson

I love! We went in town last week and I picked these out with her; I think the lil hoodie crop top is my favourite, but the white and blue dress is amazing too, as are the other two tops lol Mum bought me a necklace back in 2004, the year I told My Mum I was Transgender, but this is the first time anyone’s bought me female clothes, so they’re pretty special.

Mum wrapped and addressed them to Sophie too, which made me smile, I kept the tags! My Sister also made me a card addressed to Kevin & Sophie :)

It is so nice to finally just be me, and be accepted. I’m so thankful to have a supportive family, my Mum and Sister are helping me so much. IWhen me and Mum went shopping,  I was actually looking for a leather dress and high heels for my Sister, as she said she wants my High Heels of Courage lol I couldn’t see any leather dresses though :(

The experience of shopping for female clothes while in male mode I found a lil anxiety inducing at first, but by the end of the day I felt a lot more relaxed, and I’ve noticed I’m starting to feel more and more at ease outside around people, so that’s making me very happy. I’ve been doing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for about six weeks now, and my therapist, believe it or not, is called Sophia :) I saw her a few weeks back and told her about being Transgender, and she was very happy that I was taking the first steps in accepting who I was.

My whole reason for going to CBT was to tackle social Anxiety, so the fact I’m already feeling more at ease around people is a really good sign. I also have a second appointment with my Gender Therapist in just under two weeks time, same day as my next CBT appointment, so I’m getting excited :)


Satoru Fujinuma