ABOUT ME / MY DIARY /
ORIGINALLY POSTED 18th AUGUST 2016
Wow! Today is The Laurels Gender Identity Clinic day. I’m wearing nail polish for the first time in public! I picked the colour pink, to match the site :) So, I arrive at the station, and as I’m walking up the stairs to get to the platform, this red butterfly flies right across the stairs in front of me. It was pretty much inside the station, I stopped and watched it, as it seemed odd to have a butterfly down there. I felt like I could have caught it, but it flew off up the stairs and when I reached the top, there was an artist friend I used to exhibit with in the Plymouth Gallery on the Hoe.
Now, I’ll be honest, for a split second the thought crossed my mind – pretend you didn’t see her. This was old self talking, I was wearing nail polish, and I guess part of me thought, arghhhh! lol I ignored this thought and said hello. I could tell she didn’t quite recognise me, but I said “From the gallery.” She said “ohhh yesss!” We talked for a bit about art and stuff, strangely, I didn’t hide my nails. I wasn’t throwing them in her face but I almost forgot I had nail polish on.
She asked why was I going to Exeter. I was totally open and said I’m going to The Laurels Gender Identity Clinic to see my gender therapist. She said, “Oh wow, well I’m gay, but I have a friend who transitioned from female to male.” Even though she’s gay, she said he looks really handsome now lol She asked if I was male to female or female to male. I feel like we could have talked for ages, but the train arrived and we had to split up. She wished me luck and left me sort of gobsmacked on the station.
I was smiling. I couldn’t believe it. How is this even possible. Bloody hell! If I had listened to that initial split second thought and not said hello, I would never have had this beautiful conversation :) It just shows, be yourself, be open and honest, and the world becomes a totally different place. No more hiding! No more listening to the voices of fear!
It reminded me of the quote from Satoru Fujinuma in the anime Erased, that I only just watched last week. He said, “If you don’t take that first step, a path won’t open for you.”
What’s even more bonkers, is in Erased, a blue butterfly shows up whenever something from the universe happens to Satoru … maybe I will start seeing red butterflies from now on lol So mad!!! What a way to start my visit to the gender clinic :) I love the universe!
I’m so excited to see my gender therapist today. Oh my, I just thought … we were supposed to meet tomorrow but yesterday she changed the date last minute. If I had gone tomorrow, liked planned, I would never have bumped into that artist friend :) It really is Destiny lol The past few months, since my last visit, have been mad. Extreme highs and lows. For a few weeks I felt what it will be like to have my body and mind in sync. It was so nice, but sadly I had to switch hormones and since than my body has gone backwards slightly … or maybe it’s my mind that’s gone backwards?
So it knocked my confidence and triggered some of the bad body dysphoria habits I was just starting to get over, like checking my body for things I don’t like. For a week I was in a really bad place, but I still kept pushing myself. I have faith it will all come together in time, but to see and feel yourself going backwards, it’s not nice. Especially when you have in the cupboard pills that will sync you back up again.
Must be patient.
Must have faith.
I switched medication as I was self medicating, but am now with Dr Webberley, while on the NHS waiting list. I suspect today will most likely be about hormones. It feels like years have past since our last visit, I joined a transgender forum like I said I would. I joined the Angels forum and have already made a couple nice friends, such as Sara :) Such a nice place, they’ve helped me so much, without them I wouldn’t have found Dr Webberley either!
Something mad is happening. I’m not afraid of my painted nails, in fact, they’re empowering! I’m proud of my nails. I’m sat on this train and don’t care lol I wore white nails a couple times this month, but felt a bit nervous and hid them in my pockets, today I’mnot. This past week I have bumped into two artist friends from last year, both inspired me, it’s like everything from the past is now affecting the present. Just like Joe Dispenza said, you change the future by changing the present. By knowing what you want, be self aware and make little steps each day that get you closer to that future self. You won’t see results for years, but everything you do will all add up in time.
Goes back to that quote from Erased, “If you don’t take that first step, a path won’t open for you.” Wearing nail polish is a baby step, it may seem tiny but it all adds up. I just wrote in my diary in big writing, I AM SO HAPPY. Aww :)
How weird! I just finished the session with my gender therapist, and beforehand I wrote down that I wanted to ask my position on the waiting list, but as we got talking it no longer seemed important, so I wasn’t going to ask. Than, we were talking about facial laser hair removal and she said, “Shell I see what position you are on the waiting list?” lol Mad! I smiled inside, it happened without me having to ask!
It was a really nice session. We spoke about moving on from the past, hormones, how it may not be worth starting facial hair removal until the testosterone levels are in the female range. Next week I have blood tests to see my levels, hopefully Dr Webberley can help get my body back in sync. Just have to be patient.
I told my gender therapist how I’ve been anxious about the shredding of my hair from Finasteride. But she said my hair is like BOOM, and did a gesture lol Hopefully a lot of my concerns are just in the mind, but I need to get to a place where I can just let things be. If bad things happen, I just have to adapt and not spend all my time focusing on something negative that might happen. I know this is what I need to do, but it’s really hard to let go of negative thoughts sometimes. My hypnotherapist said to imagine them as bubbles popping in and out of existence, so I need to remember this next time a negative thought pops in! In fact, Sara on the Angels forum said she’ll pop them lol So I’m going to imagine her popping my negative bubbles :)
I told my gender therapist how I felt lonely at Plymouth Pride 2016, she gave me contact details for a group that meets up every two weeks in Plymouth, so hopefully I can make some friends there. Also, Trans Pride is on in Bristol at the end of September. Hmm, I want to go!
The last few weeks have been tough, but today was such a nice day, it sort of feels a bit magical today. One of the most beautiful days in a long time.
Thank you Universe.
Visit eleven took place on 16th September 2016 and was the ‘universe is in control‘ visit