ABOUT ME / MY DIARY /
ORIGINALLY POSTED 16th SEPTEMBER 2016
Future me here *waves* this diary entry about visit number 11 to the Laurels Gender Identity Clinic was really cool to reread. It’s now 2021, five years since this visit, and it’s amazing how everything I visualised came true. I’m now living as Sophie, my old life as Kevin is almost so far away now I can’t really remember it. Sometimes you forget how many fears you had to face to reach your goal; I’m so thankful to past self for not giving up.
*end of future me*
What a crackers day! I have to go to the Laurels Gender Identity Clinic after work, and it’s always a bit of a mad rush to catch the train on time. Today, I was on course to make it pretty easily. However, just as I was about to ride my bike home, the Ferry I was on got stuck. I started laughing because I thought – Universe, you are always in control. Doesn’t matter how much I rush and try to get there early, if the Universe doesn’t want me to get there early, it decides.
So I went onto the top floor of the Ferry and looked at the clouds. Loving the Universe, the Ferry started back up again, albeit 10 minutes late. I took the time to watch these two clouds merge into each other, which was amazing. I’ve never really seen them do that before. Anyway, I get home with about 40 minutes spare; Shower, eat, and even time for a little rest :) Then, off I go to the train station.
No lol The train was cancelled. So I have to get The next one, which means I will have to walk super fast up the big hill to the gender identity clinic if I’m going to make it on time. I like to take it nice and slow, but oh well… the Universe decides :) So today has so far been all about how the Universe is in control. Which is something I’ve been struggling with for the past few weeks. It’s been so emotional. Ups and downs. I just realised … WHAT? I stopped writing to get on the train and I’ve forgot what I realised lol Doh!
Anyways, it’s been insane emotionally. After going to a pretty poopy place last week, it made me realise that I need to let go. Most of my suffering is coming from wanting to be in control of everything to do with my Transition. Hormones; I want to be in control so that any negative side effects won’t happen. WRONG! That’s impossible. The Universe is in control of what effects the hormones have, I can only control when and how I take them. I know this, but my mind keeps wanting control. It’s strange how today’s events are almost mirroring my mindset.
Surrender to the Universe and let it deal with the effects of my hormones. If I do my best, the Universe will do the rest :) If today’s Gender Identity Clinic Visit had been a few days ago, I would have gone their saying really negative things like how I want to go back to self medicating so I can be in control. But now, now I will just let it play out on it’s own. I have so much to talk about to my gender therapist today, the Three Hours in a Wig Shop, my Niece giving me a Makeover, non stop Crying, Mums texts, Blood results, self doubt, letting go … so much has been going on in my mind since the last visit.
So, let’s see what happens for the rest of the day. I’ll be going into the clinic soon.
November 1st, I will see a specialist Dr at the Gender Clinic for Hormones. I’m smiling just writing that down! I’ve been waiting for months since I started self medicating back in March. In July I went with Dr Helen Webberley and we switched hormones. Things have been bonkers ever since, so it will be nice to talk to a Dr about all of this and get some advice and hopefully, he may allow me to go back to the pills I was on before. If not, doesn’t matter, the Universe is in control :) I can feel I’m moving closer to phase two. The hard stuff. This is why I’ve been so anxious / scared lately. I can tell soon, I will be stepping into massive unknown. Facing my fear like never before. I meditate daily and at times I’ve felt the presence of this fear, it’s pretty intense.
Hopefully not soon after seeing the Dr, I will get to start laser facial hair removal on my face … oh my god, that scares me so much. I hear how painful it is, but I have to do it. My Gender Therapist explained how one of her patients said, to manager her transition, she imagines being in a car with her foot on the pedal moving forward. It’s night time, she knows where she’s going, but all she can see is this little bit of road in the head lights up ahead. This allows her to keep it manageable without being overwhelmed by the destination.
I know this feeling. I said to my Niece a few weeks back, if I stop and think about all the things I have to do it freaks me out and becomes so overwhelming that if I think too long, I wouldn’t do anything. I would most likely feel it too impossible a task. So my method for the past few months has been baby steps. Same as the headlights approach. If you only focus on the baby steps, before you know it, you’ll look back and realise how far you’ve come. This is the only way to transition for me. I have to push myself and at some point I will have to step so far out of my comfort zone, but like going into the wig shop last week proves, If you focus on just the initial little step, the big things will naturally take care of themselves. It’s like you work hand in hand with the Universe.
I can feel big change is right around the corner. I feel ready to fly, but at the same time, I’m scared to step off the edge.
The facial hair is my big one, once that starts to go I feel I’ll be able to start pushing myself to present as Sophie outside. I imagine a few weeks / months as Sophie while still presenting as Kevin at work. Than, at some point I will go to work as Sophie and effectively, never look back.
Right now, that seems so overwhelming and a million light years away. But I can feel it as a reality. It’s hard to explain, knowing you will do something but still not knowing how you’re going to pull it off. I can’t yet, but I will soon. If you had said to me 3 years ago I would have spent three hours in a wig shop getting my hair styled, I wouldn’t have believed you. Just shows, anything is possible when you want it badly enough.
Transitioning is one hell of a mad journey!
Visit twelve took place on 20th October 2016 and was the ‘let’s talk about death‘ visit