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ORIGINALLY POSTED 20th OCTOBER 2016

Future me here *waves* in this diary entry I talk about death, and it was so cool rereading it in 2021. I talk about death a lot on the Podcast, but 2016 was the year I really started to face death and understand it isn’t something to be afraid of. There is a lot of talk in this diary entry about a ‘new’ website as well, this was the year when I transitioned the website from KevsArt to SophieLawson.com … so the website transitioned before I did lol

*end of future me*

Choo choo :) Train time again, which can only mean one thing. I’m off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of the Laurels Gender Identity Clinic, also known as my Gender Therapist :) This is visit number 12. I can’t believe that. Today is the 20th of October 2016 and it’s almost two years since my first ever visit. October 23rd 2014 was when I first ventured into the Laurels Gender Identity Clinic. So much has happened since than. I remember the me that was sat on that train for the first time being so scared of what was going to happen. Back than, I was scared of everything. The fear is still there, but slowly I’m making friends with it.

The past six weeks since my last visit have been pretty uneventful, but massively exhausting. I decided to focus all my efforts on getting the new website ready. So everything … Art. Practicing Makeup. Taking Photos. Even my daily meditation has taken a back seat. I certainly feel it when I don’t meditate daily. It doesn’t feel good at all, but the positive thing is, I’m way more aware. So while I do feel the lack of a daily meditation practice, I have learnt so much and can put to use the things I’ve learnt …. like being in the moment, slowing down and seeing that when things don’t go so well, knowing the moment will pass. So it’s been kind of nice only meditating twice a week to confirm how much it is helping me.

It’s also been nice to not do my IPL. I IPL my body every two weeks to remove unwanted hair. My legs, bum and arms. It takes about 8 hours in total, I decided that 8 hours would be better spent on getting the website made. The result, my body hasn’t been treated for 4 weeks now and yet there isn’t as much hair as I feared. So again, that’s been positive.

I can really feel myself beginning to let go of having to be in control of everything. I’m not rushing around anymore. I have a little break between jobs now, only 15 minutes, but it’s nice to slow down. I’ve always been someone who has to try to maximise every second of the day. If I lose an hour a day by slowing down, I’m ok with that now. So I’m feeling almost content, even though the hormones are not really having much effect, I’m just saying, I do my best, and the Universe will do the rest; What will be will be.

Today is probably the first day in ages where I’ve not worked on the site. I’ve been obsessed with it to be honest. Haven’t really thought about what todays visit will be about, but last week my manager from one of my jobs left. I really liked her. She was so nice. It made me realise, everyone in our lives will leave at some point. We may not know when either, it might happen just out of the blue, so today could be the last time you see someone you love and not realise it.

It made me think, there will be a time when my gender therapist is no longer in my life. This thought makes me so sad. I sort of expect her to be there forever, but she won’t be.

If nothing else, I’m going to remember that today when I see her and just enjoy my time with her. I actually meditated a few hours ago and I saw myself on my bike, riding along, than I vanished. Than my bike vanished. But the world kept going without me. My story had ended but the world kept on. I also felt myself seeing everyone in my life vanishing around me, leaving only me at the end. Very vivid feelings. They were sad, but nice.

I’m very tired. Creating the new website has even resulted in me skipping sleep :( Oh yeah, last night I had a dream and I was self aware in the dream. So I was aware I was dreaming. *future me here! No way, this was actually my first Lucid Dream? I had forgotten about this dream, but I only started keeping a dream diary towards the end of 2017, so this is my first documented Lucid Dream :)* I was in art class, talking about being Transgender. As I was talking, someone else started talking. So I said to the teacher, I haven’t finished. She allowed me to stand up at the front and explain how being Transgender and art play together. So I became self aware and managed to tell my dream self to be self assertive of feeling worthy to have my voice be heard in class, when at the exact moment I opened my mouth, just about to say the words, the alarm went off. How is that possible? The timing was spot on. I’ve thought this before, when we dream, are we in the same time? What if time doesn’t exist in there the way it does out here.

It was such perfect timing, I actually woke up smiling, saying, Universe … you are nuts! I guess I wasn’t ready to hear what I had to say.

I feel strange today, like I’m not quite with it. I think I’m tired from the website and maybe today, being the first day I’ve taken a break from it, I feel it. There is a graveyard on my way to the clinic. I feel like I want to meditate in there for some reason.

I’m off the train now, walking along writing this…think I will go for a quick trip into the graveyard, seeing as I have 90 minutes till my appointment. What is it with me and death today? Always felt it’s important to stay aware and talk about death, I find being aware of death, helps me appreciate being alive.

Aww. Just walked into the graveyard and there is a black cat sat next to me on one of the gravestones. Being in this graveyard, makes me think about drying having not tried my best to become who I really am. I won’t let that happen. I look at the gravestones and wonder, did these people follow their hearts? Or did they die having lived a lie? Did they die having lived their lives in fear of being themselves?

lol, Just spotted another cat hiding behind one of the gravestones. Cats be watching over me today.

15 minutes to go, I’m inside the clinic sat on the sofa now. Never wrote in my diary inside the clinic before :) I’m just thinking, I feel odd today, like an out of body experience sensation. I think today’s going to be a bonkers visit lol

THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST SESSIONS EVER!

I cried. We spoke about Mum and Dad, about how Mums, not necessarily my Mum, but how everyone’s Mum relates to your Anxiety. How one way to transition is to slowly wear gender neutral clothes. And how I’m now moving into the next phase so the anxiety will increase. Things feel real now, calm before the storm.

Mum is linked to my anxiety, my Gender Therapist said how her years in therapy has shown her a common theme of children whose Mums failed to contain their own anxiety, normally grow up as adults with their own high anxiety. I’ve realised a lot of my anxiety isn’t really linked to my gender. I’ve been aware of that for a while now, but I cannot seem to find the source of it. My anxiety must be buried so deep in my sub conscious. If I could only find it to at least try to understand it.

I said how for me, I don’t care if I got beat up for being me, I just have these seemingly irrational fears about things like walking down the hill to get onto the Ferry wearing girls clothes. She said, what, like making a big entrance on stage? lol, It does sort of feel like that, in my head walking down with everyone looking at me. It feels so scary, but, she said why not build up to it. One day wear say leggings, Week later add something else. Baby steps. That way, I’d end up doing the grand entrance naturally lol

THAT WAS GAME CHANGING

I never thought about this before. Goes back to my either/or mentality. I thought either you had to be totally boys clothes, or totally girls. NO! Slowly add girls clothes and makeup into the mix. This feels more manageable. Back to the headlight analogy from my last visit.

The talk about Mum was so eye opening. Basically, I said I’m happy the way it played out with Mum, even though it was bad, it was good. Basically, I moved in with Mum in 2015 hoping we would help each other, but it all fell apart due to a lack of trust and we are currently not speaking to each other. This is very sad, especially considering Mum was the First Person I ever told about being Transgender back in 2004. We will both be better because of it in the long run, but I said, “I know we could have had such a good time.” My therapist said, she’s not so sure. She is adamant that it wouldn’t have been good for me to stay with my Mum. She feels separating myself from Mum will allow me to find a girlfriend, a partner. I was trying to fill that hole with my Mum, and my therapist feels my Mum was with me. It does make sense when I think about it. It was like a light bulb going off when she said that.

I said finding a partner is a long time in the future yet, and she agreed. Saying, I don’t think you should think about that till you’re Sophie :) I feel like I have so many knots to untangle first before I can think about having a girlfriend.

I have faith Me and Mum will both help ourselves, I know it.

I also said I was scared of Dad growing up, and wondered if my Sister was. I never asked her that before. I also spoke about my new site. I’m sure this website is key to everything. It’s like an accountability partner. My old site, Kevsart, helped me find myself, and I’m sure SophieLawson.com will help me with my Transition.

As my Therapist was looking in her diary to work out when our next visit would be, I said how I feel people don’t appreciate each other enough and that I really appreciate you. It was awkwardly said, but that’s the best way I could say it. It’s time to appreciate everyone in my life. One day, they will be gone. Same with Art. I am so lucky art entered my life, it’s helping me slowly find myself.

It’s so important what she said about wearing a little bit of female clothing at a time. Everything changes now. Finally, I can see a HOW to go with my WILL, I already had my WHY :) I also said something important. I said how doing this website has been good in that it took my focus away from my body. It made me realise if I can focus on my art while transitioning…that will be key! Both help each other, I’ve always known it, I think I’m beginning to understand how Art and this site are key to me having balance while I transition.

It’s not easy to focus when I have so much fear inside, but if I can do it with the site, than yes. I can do it with my art. It’s the big IF. If I can focus on my art while transitioning, I might just be able to make it. It will be my way of coping with the fear and anxiety. This session was a real eye opener. Like looking at my transition from a different angle. She said it’s good that I know myself well enough to know what works for me.

Why didn’t I think of this? It makes so much sense to slowly build up the clothes. Why did I only ever see it as either boy or girl clothes?

I thought it was going to be a bonkers session, it was probably the most laid back, relaxed and thought provoking one yet. Shows how you can’t tell what the Universe has in store :) Just think, one day I’ll be sat on a train writing these diary entries as Sophie! I can’t wait for that day, but it still feels like a million years away. *turns out it was only two :)*

Visit thirteen took place on 1st December 2016 and was the ‘suicidal‘ visit