Gender Identity Clinic Visits My Transitioning Diary

THE LAURELS GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC VISIT 1

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During that time with Heather, I would sit on the edge of the cliffs near by looking out to the ocean at night, just listening to the waves hitting the rocks, looking to the stars and just trying to make sense of it all. It took a long time, but I was determined to crack this puzzle inside of me. Heather mentioned about a gender clinic in Exeter called The Laurels, and after a few weeks of umming and ahhhing, I finally went to my Doctor and asked if I could be referred to the clinic. I was, but for months I heard nothing, in fact, I sort of wrote it off as maybe it wasn’t meant to be and secretly I was scared to go anyways lol

Then, in September, my Sister asked if I wanted to go London with her and I said yes, this was due for the 25th of October and only a few days later I received a letter from the Gender clinic asking if I could go for an initial assessment on the 23rd October.

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“I was scared but excited; excited that I was given this opportunity for I love the thought of being able to talk to other Transgender people and maybe make some true friends, but scared because I knew this was going to open up the Transgender can of worms big time right before going to London.”

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I went, I got the train to Exeter and had my sketch book with me and got there an hour or so early, got lost for about 20 minutes lol but a delivery van driver pointed me in the right direction, and then I finally sat outside on a bench and sketched for 20 minutes or so. I then made my way to the clinic and rang the bell, they let me in but I got lost again lol The arrow for the Laurels was pointing into the lift and so I went into the lift and hit the ground floor button, I was in the lift for about 2 minutes before I realised I was already on the ground floor and the lift wasn’t moving lol

So I opened the doors and looked at the sign, it was pointing into the lift so I got back in the lift and thought I was going crazy. I came out and then a lady walked past and she guided me to the reception which was hidden around the corner. I went in and there was a nice vibe in the place, I was nervous, but you could just feel it was going to be ok. I sat with some ladies, I think they were family members to their Transgender daughter, then the lady who was seeing me came out and off we went for a chat! I felt really comfortable talking to her right away and she asked me questions about my childhood dealing with being Transgender, we also said about how we should set up a website for Transgender people to find girlfriends who don’t mind their boyfriends being Trans :) Such a good idea, we deserve love too lol

We spoke about Anxiety, she said many Transgender people suffer from Anxiety, and I think that’s when I started to realise that I would only get over my anxiety once I fully dealt with my Transgender issues. That might seem obvious now, but I needed to hear that from her to put 2 and 2 together! I also explained how I have always been confused as to if I am male or female as I have never really felt like either, I feel more female than male in my soul, and I’m pretty sure when I leave this universe I will be leaving as a female spirit but then I do still like some of being male.

She asked if I had ever looked into non-binary, I said I hadn’t even heard of it, I had heard of genderfluid, whereby you sometimes feel female, sometimes male, or sometimes neither. I had ended up thinking that explains me best, and non-binary appears to be in the same area as genderfluid. When she said that though, something started to click inside of me. I thought to myself, maybe that’s why I’ve struggled so much trying to work out if I am male or female all these years. I started to realise I was trying to stick myself into either being male or female, and it just wasn’t go to ever work because I am neither and both, I really starting to feel something changing inside of me when she talked about non-binary.

It was just nice to know that I’m not the only one who is in this place of trying to make sense of my gender. It was just really interesting that day, the hour seemed to fly by, we also spoke about my old cat Kes, and my love for cats. In fact, my female name is Sophie after my first little pussy cat friend Sophie when I was a kid! It turns out she loves cats as much as me, I left there wishing and hoping we will be friends because she seems like the nicest person in the world!

I go back in January after the Christmas break, I really can’t wait! It’s so nice to be around other people like myself and people who know where I’m coming from, it’s going to be interesting to see where these visits lead.

Visit two took place on 8th January 2015 and was The ‘connecting with my gender therapist’ visit

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COMMENTS

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If you would like to keep up to date with my art / life journey, one of the best ways is via my newsletter. The newsletter goes out on the 14th of each month, with the monthly postcard draw taking place on the 1st. I have been sending out little emails since February, so it is the best place to find me at the moment :)

You can find out more about my newsletter here

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“If you don’t take that first step, a path won’t open for you.”

Satoru Fujinuma

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