64 • THE LAURELS GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC VISIT 24

Hello again *waves* future me here, just wanted to include this photo I found, which I took just before the session while in the grave yard. How cool is this, taking selfies in a grave yard :) I’m fascinated by grave yards you know, they really make you think about death.

*end of future me*

On the train :) There’s a dog on here this time, woof lol Lots of People on here today actually, think it must be course it’s nearly Christmas. Today I have a few things I’d like to talk about with my gender therapist. I would like to talk about a family issue that isn’t directly to do with me, I just feel a bit stuck on what to do.

I also want to talk about the fact that I may be getting discharged soon, I wonder if I would still be able to see her privately. I also want to talk about how I want to focus on my art, oh, and I’d also like to bring up the topic of having my balls removed lol I don’t know how else to say that, at my last Doctor appointment, which I haven’t typed up yet, we spoke about having the sexual realignment surgery, I’m still not sure if I will go through with it or not.

I also have a drawing with me. A drawing of her cat Scarlet :) I drew it in the past few weeks since our last visit, so I’m excited but nervous for her to see that. It’s her little baby after all, so I hope she likes it. I’m going to ask her if we can have a photo together too. That would be the best Christmas present ever, if me and my therapist can have a photo together :)

I would normally not return to my diary now until after the session, but I’m sat outside on a bench and some girls are playing Christmas tunes on trumpets. Nice and jolly, I’m loving this :) I need a wee though lol Just took a little detour through the graveyard, I’ve said it before, but I love being in graveyards. Being around all those gravestones, knowing they were all once people living their lives, it makes me appreciate mine. Speak after the session.

THE SESSION

Back on the train, we spoke about a few things. The Genital Reassignment Surgery was the main thing, and how I have to be certain. Some girls do it and than end up going back. One of the boys had his operation, but the wee thing didn’t work properly so had to return to sitting down to wee. He was devastated, so even after the operation you have to be prepared for it not maybe working out successfully.

I think if you wanted it though, the risks would just be part of the process. I just need to work out if I personally need to have the operation, I just can’t decide. She’s funny, I said a couple reasons why I would want to do it, mainly, because it gets in the way. I can’t wear certain clothes but I said, is it worth that operation just for that reason?

She said, firmly, yeah, course lol

I dunno why but that made me laugh. It was like such a carefree, whatever just do it girl, sod it lol I can’t explain it, but the way she said it was so funny. She’s arranged for me to speak with Lucy, who I actually spoke about yonks ago, when I was thinking of dropping the wigs.

Lucy actually said to not drop the wigs, but my heart said to do it, so I did it and it was the best decision I ever made … so freeing. This one’s different, my heart isn’t speaking very clearly, so I can’t work out what to do. She’s going to spend an hour with me before the next session in February talking about the operation, and hopefully helping me make sense of my feelings.

I guess I just need time to think, this isn’t a race after all :)

We also exchanged gifts, I gave her the Scarlet drawing, it was wrapped up so she won’t see it till Christmas day. She gave me a Christmas card, I never expected anything so that was nice :) She commented on my hair and how nice it’s looking, which was nice, but she made me laugh again.

I offered her a mint, it was in a wrapper, and as she unwrapped it she swore something fly out of it. She said, did you see that? Something just flew out of it … a mint angel lol She called it a mint angel! I love it :) I love her :)

I cried two times during the session, once when I started talking about our sessions coming to an end, and once when I brought up the family issue. So while I forgot to ask for a photo, I think it probably best that we didn’t :) When I started talking about our sessions coming to an end, I told her I’ve meditated on them coming to an end before, just so I can prepare myself for it, but she she hasn’t. She’s just pretending it isn’t going to happen. It must be hard being a therapist, making all these deep connections and than having to let people go. I guess it’s bitter sweet, you’ll miss them, but be proud that you helped them spread their wings and fly like an angel, a mint one lol

Visit Twenty Five took place on the 22nd of February 2018, and was the ‘genital reassignment surgery‘ visit