38 • THE LAURELS GENDER IDENTITY CLINIC VISIT 13

Future me here *waves* in this diary entry I talk about Loneliness and Suicidal Thoughts. Suicide became a big part of my life during the first few years of hormones. Looking back now, I feel the hormones brought lots of shadow aspects of my psyche to the surface. My journey with hormones highlighted how much of a control freak I had been. With hormones, you have to give up control, let the Universe be in control of the results … something I found very hard; this was one of the most intense periods of my life.

*end of future me*

Things have taken a turn for the worse just lately. Is it the hormones? Is it due to working on the site non stop for weeks? Is it due to stopping my daily meditation? I guess it’s all a factor, but the truth is, lately the fear has been winning. Today is visit number 13. It is so cold. Feels cold enough for snow.

Since the last visit, I’ve carried on working on the site, Saw a Doctor at the Gender Clinic for the first time, changed my hormones AGAIN!, this time to gel, started facial laser hair removal and had a few days feeling suicidal. So lots has happened, and I haven’t really done any art, taken any new photos, or kept up with my daily meditation as I’ve been wanting to get this site finished. I do feel overwhelmed by the site at the moment. It’s reached a point now of ARGHH, I just want it done. I was hoping it would be finished in November. Once it’s done, I’m taking some time off to just enjoy myself. Draw for fun. Take photos for fun. I also miss talking with people like Artist Miia on Instagram :(

In two weeks time I’m starting speech therapy to try and find my female voice. I’ll be seeing a lady called Melanie, who helped me in 2008 after I had some voice operations. My voice has never fully recovered, but I am so glad that dark period of my life happened, as I got to meet Melanie, and she will now help me find my true voice :) Feels a bit like Destiny that we met.

I was meditating earlier in the year when she popped into my awareness. I snapped out of the meditation and had to find her. I rang the hospital to see if I could speak to her, but it turned out she retired earlier in the year. Strangely, the same month I started self medicating. I was lucky in that they past on my details and Melanie emailed me. I told her I was Transgender, I hadn’t told her before, and when I did…she said, she wished I had told her before, as she has over 37 years experience with M2F patients, it was actually her specialty. I couldn’t believe it. She was kind enough to let me see her privately. I am so thankful! She is such a lovely lady, she even took the time to visit me one Sunday at the Plymouth Hoe Art Fair in 2015 :)

I have so many things I could talk to my gender therapist about today. I could talk about how I keep having this overwhelming feeling of loneliness when around people. I guess I’ve always been lonely, but since starting the hormones, I really feel it now. Intense at times, but I also don’t want friends, but I do, but I don’t … what does it mean? I think I just want to connect with someone. I always feel separate from everyone else. So I have that, the fact Kevin currently feels ugly without facial hair, so at the moment I feel ugly. I also want to talk about Melanie, I have so much to talk about.

Be interesting to see how today’s chat unfolds. I really do miss my daily meditation. I know it would help me, but this bloody website needs doing lol

THAT WAS INTENSE

We spoke mostly about loneliness and suicidal thoughts. I told her how a few weeks ago when I switched hormones again, I fell into a dark place. It all started when I couldn’t get into the GP surgery to discuss the letter they received from my gender clinic Doctor. They were too busy. The GP decided to prescribe my new medication without talking to me, and she cancelled my Finasteride. This, for some reason, made me lose it. At the time it felt like too much change. I had just received a phone call to say I’d be starting facial laser hair removal, I had switched my hormone patches for gel, and now my GP was cancelling my Finasteride.

I was happy to switch my hormones from patches to gel, I was nervous, but happy. I was happy I was going to start my facial hair removal, again, nervous but excited. However, the GP stopping my Finasteride, and me being unable to get into the surgery to discuss it was too much.

I had stopped meditating to focus on creating the website, so looking back I should have regrouped and regained my thoughts. Instead, the fear took hold. Negative thoughts after negative thoughts started steam rolling my mind. I’ve had suicidal thoughts multiple times in the past, like when I couldn’t accept being Transgender. In fact, it was suicidal thoughts about my gender that initiated my self medicating hormones, but this time, the thoughts where so intense. It’s the first time I’ve ever started to act out physical things. I put a bag over my head, laid on my bed and wanted to die.

Transitioning is so hard for me. So many of my issues are not gender related, which makes it harder to understand at times where the fear is coming from. These thoughts stayed with me for a few days, my Niece doesn’t know it, but she texted me the same time I was suicidal asking how the GP appointment went. I didn’t say I was suicidal, but I said I’m not sure I can do this. She texted, “You can do anything, I believe in you.”

She helped me so much that day. The feelings past, but I’m still feeling intense loneliness at times. I feel like I can’t connect with people, yet I am so much better at talking to people. I can actually start and hold conversations now. I am making progress, but strangely, I feel more and more lonely, the more I talk to people.

I LOVE BEING ON MY OWN. I ONLY FEEL LONELY AROUND PEOPLE.

My gender therapist said if these suicidal thoughts ever happen again to tell her right away. To ring her. Ring the clinic and no matter what, don’t do anything. It will pass. I know it will. I knew it would, but it felt so overpowering at the time. So intense. So real. What scared me the most was I started carrying out actions. Never done that before.

So today’s session wasn’t all happy and positive like normal. It was a sad session. She said I have people who care for me. She said it’s good to feel loneliness as that means you want connection. So it is positive, even though it feels negative. Another of those paradoxes I love :) I’ve realised something. Paradoxes are key to everything. Wherever there is a paradox, it means there is massive knowledge and wisdom to be learnt, it’s just a case of sitting with it to work out the message.

The session did end nicely. I gave her a Christmas card and she hugged me :) So odd, because last week I thought I wanted to ask if I could hug her as she has helped me so much, but I didn’t need to ask, it happened naturally. I don’t normally hug people. In fact I don’t really know how to hug, but this time, I didn’t care. I just hugged her. As we hugged, I said her name, and she said, in a really sweet voice, “Aww, Sophie.”

It was so cute lol

Thank you for that moment universe.

Visit fourteen took place on 19th January 2017 and was the ‘child abuse‘ visit