ABOUT ME / MY DIARY /
ORIGINALLY POSTED 30th JULY 2015
I’m very exhausted, as I sit on this train. I’m making my way to The Laurels Gender Identity Clinic in Exeter, for another session with my gender therapist … this should have happened weeks ago, in fact months. Since the last session, my therapist cancelled 2 appointments at the last minute, and I than had to cancel the one before, so it’s been a while. I almost cancelled this one too as I’m moving tomorrow, but I forced myself to find the time to make it. I’ve painted my nails with clear nail polish again :)
I don’t really know what I’m going to say to her today. I’ve got so much on my mind right now, this is the first time I’ve even sat down and thought about today. It’s going to be nice to see her, to she her nice lol I just hope I don’t fall asleep during the session.
On the way home now. I cried.
Today was the most emotional session. Maybe it was because I’m tired, but I started crying. Something in my heart still needs addressing but I’m struggling to make sense of it. I need to embrace fully who I am, no matter what. Be proud of who I am. Ive painted my nails clear today and yet I find myself hiding them from strangers. It doesn’t have to be like this. I am proud of who I am, but I am still self conscious. I’m so much better than I’ve ever been, I am so close, but it’s still really hard. I am proud of who I am, yet something sill holds me back.
Today I spoke about my Mum, Dad, Sister and Niece. About how my Niece gave me a makeover for the first time :) We spoke about something I’ve thought about before but not really acted on … When I’m Sophie I don’t draw? I know I draw as a way of channeling my female energy. Is that a good or bad thing? I have wrote down on a piece of paper a list of things I want to do, things that are not important at the moment but that I want to do and so write them down to get them out of my head. One of them is ‘Produce a drawing as Sophie’, I have never dressed and drawn at the same time. I’m interested to see what my art would be like while I’m Sophie.
As I spoke about this today with my therapist, I made big sweeping gestures with my arms as if drawing as Sophie would be more expressive and freeing. I said to my therapist today, this isn’t a race. I don’t care how long it takes for me to fully find myself. Same with my Art, Sophie and my Art are massively linked and I have the patience to not rush either. Everything will fall into place in the end, but at times like this you wonder what you’re supposed to do.
I started crying when she said about our meetings coming to an end. I tried to hold it back but I couldn’t. There is unfinished business here. Something I’ve been struggling with for months now. Am I non-binary or is this a way of me trying not to face the truth that I am supposed to become Sophie. Or am I non-binary and I wish I was able to be fully Sophie. It’s so confusing, it’s really really confusing.
What is my destiny? To bring Sophie to life in my art or to become Sophie and make art? If I was to become Sophie would I still make art? I’m going to do some drawings as Sophie once I’m settled in my new place and see what it feels like and what my art is like. Something I thought of today was … Looking back now I realised in 2004 I had an opportunity to become Sophie full time but I wasn’t ready.
I didn’t believe I could do it and I ended up throwing all my stuff away and living in denial for years as I tried to pretend she wasn’t in me. I’m certain if I had been the me of today back than I would now be Sophie. I was still young enough that transitioning would have been much easier. I don’t want to be 10 years in the future as a 45 year old looking back at 35 year old me thinking I should have become Sophie.
However, I also know if you’re not ready you’re not ready… Like I said this isn’t a race. It scares me, I’m not sure I could pull of being Sophie. The truth is, being Transgender is confusing and hard. My only goal in life is to die with a smile on my face, knowing I did the right thing, knowing I followed my heart. I just had a mini ahha moment…
ART AND SOPHIE BOTH MAKE ME FEEL THE SAME.
THEY BOTH MAKE ME FEEL FREE.
THEY ARE THE SAME SOURCE
… MY SOUL.
– Kevin Preston (my Male name)
If I can harness them both together, which is what I am currently trying to get to grips with, I will have extreme energy. My therapist said she sees being Sophie as creative like a drawing for me.
Stop trying to make sense of it and just let it be. My heart will guide me. I feel it’s important for me to draw as Sophie, my instinct has been telling me this and today my therapist shined the light on this again. I think I needed someone else to say this to me to realise how powerful that could be. This isn’t a race, Art and Sophie are becoming one, I just need to give them both time to find themselves.
Visit five took place on 21st October 2015 and was the ‘Sophie’s time will come‘ visit